Nine 1/2 Weeks
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Apparently, this movie is supposed to be really, um, steamy. So I hear. Call me frigid, but it did nothing for me. In fact, to be honest, I found it to be a bit repulsive. Ick. And don’t get me started on the story itself...

Oh, that’s right. I have to tell you about the story. It’s my job.

Kim Basinger plays Elizabeth, a young divorcee (with perpetual bad hair -- even for 1986) who gets into a pointless, yet highly culinary, affair with a steamy, yet mysterious, guy named John (Mickey Rourke), who gets her attention after stalking her for a couple of scenes. Liz should have taken that as a first warning. But she didn’t listen. Poor Liz.

From there, the movie is basically a lot of random sex: in a rainy alley, in a clock tower, on the table, with ice cubes, with blindfolds. The steamiest scene is supposed to be the infamous kitchen scene -- where John blindfolds Liz and forces her to eat random foods and then covers her in molasses or some similar substance. Yuck! And as I fought to keep from falling asleep, I wondered (out loud, even), “Okay, so who’s gonna end up cleaning that kitchen?”

Mickey Rourke may be a very handsome man, but his character is just plain creepy. He’s demanding and violent and abusive, and he makes Liz eat jalapeno peppers while she’s blindfolded. That’s not very nice at all, is it?

As for the story, I haven’t quite figured that out. There’s something with Liz’s ex-husband and her coworker. And there’s something about some crazy old artist. But none of that really made any sense.

So if you’re looking for a hot and spicy way to spend your Friday night, please... just go out for Indian food.

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