Dear Tom and Katie
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Normally, I don't care what you're doing, but I'm worried now, Tom. I'm really concerned. Your actions are making Michael Jackson seem normal.

You bought a sonogram machine so you can monitor your baby's development? If you want to monitor something that badly, it would have been a hell of a lot cheaper to buy a Chia Herb Garden at Wal-Mart.

What is wrong with you, Tom? What do you think you're doing here, Tom? You think you can just buy one of these and read the directions like a Toni home perm? "Step One: Cut tip from bottle." You think it's that easy, do you, Tom?

You see, Tom, a sonogram machine is not a toy. It's not like a PlayStation. It's a medical device, the use of which is prescribed by a physician and used when medically necessary, not at whim. It's not like a television. "Oh, hey, let's go see what's on the sonogram tonight." It doesn't work like that, Tom.

Do you know what an ultrasound is, Tom? Ultrasound uses echoes from high frequency sound waves that are recorded and displayed as real-time visual images. Are you getting this, Tom? Because it's kind of important. You see, because of the mechanical vibrations and rise in temperature when the sonogram machine is used (which can potentially damage fetal tissue), doctors only like to use it when they have to. Like when it's medically necessary, Tom.

Let me see if I can put it into some kind of perspective here, Tom. Let me see if I can make you understand. You know when you go in a pet shop, Tom? And they have signs on the fish tanks that say, "Please don't tap on the glass?" Are you with me here, Tom? Stay with me here. Why do you suppose, Tom, that the pet shop would ask you not to tap on the glass? Do you think it could be because the sound and the vibration might not be good for the poor little creatures living inside the tank? Do you think there might be something to that, Tom? Huh? And do you think that's why they don't want you knocking on the glass where the puppies and kittens and guinea pigs are? Do you think this might be because it's not good for the poor little baby animals behind the glass, and that it might in fact scare them and be harmful to them? Whaddaya think, Tom? And you know, Tom, I would bet that if the pet shop owner caught the employees banging on the glass, he would fire those employees. See, while it might be okay to tap on the glass to see if the animal or fish is responsive, it's not okay to keep doing it. Because it's not good for the fishes or little animals, Tom. Because it's abuse, Tom. You see what I'm saying? You following me, Tom? Do you have any questions so far?

And Katie, what the hell is wrong with you? The American College of Radiology warned that Tom might be harming your kid. The Food and Drug Administration says he might be breaking the law by possessing the machine in the first place. And what are you doing? Giggling?

And let's talk about why you have a "Scientology chaperone" with you constantly, Katie; this Jessica Rodriquez woman. What do you need her for? To make sure you don't escape? None of this sounds right to me, Katie. You can practice any religion you want that's what's great about these United States. You have a CHOICE, Katie. No one can FORCE you. Are you getting me here?

And this silent birth thing, or quiet birth, whatever. Let me tell you something, Katie, and listen to me good here. Women have been giving birth for many, many years. Well before L. Ron Hubbard "ruled" that followers must "[m]aintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go." Okay, I don't get this so-called "rule," so help me out here. How any man, L. Ron, Tom, or anyone else, can tell a woman how she is supposed to give birth is beyond me.

Tom says you don't have to be "silent"; you only have to be "calm and quiet." Here we go again. Like Tom knows anything about childbirth. But I do, Katie, along with millions of other women. Your own mother, even. Ask any woman who has given birth to a child, and she will tell you that she would have liked nothing better than to have "calm and quiet." Hell, we all would have taken "silent" if nature worked that way, but it doesn't, Katie and Tom. Giving birth is hard work. It hurts, no doubt about it. And human nature causes a woman giving birth to react. She might scream, she might cuss, she might even try to strangle her husband (as my husband alleges but I vehemently deny). If you want to "save your sanity," Katie, then you go whichever way Mother Nature is going to take you when that baby is ready to be born. Yell, scream, sing opera if you want. But I guarantee you this, Katie: neither L. Ron nor Tom is going to dictate your behavior while giving birth. Your body will. Trust me on this.

But if I were you, Katie, I'd run like a rabbit.

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