Executive Composes Speech Entirely of Buzzwords
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CHICAGO, IL Chicago businessman Michael Jones took business conferences to a new low last Friday when he presented a completely nonsensical yet impressive-sounding speech. Jones spoke for forty minutes on the topic, “The Proactivity of the Synergistic Sanitation Architectural Team.” Very few words that Jones used throughout the speech actually made sense.

“I think I heard him say ‘and’ a few times,” noted one member of the audience. “I think he may have said ‘book shelf’ too, but who knows what kind of analogy he could have been using there.”

“Um, I think I’m in the wrong building,” observed another flustered attendee. “I thought this was supposed to be a day-long seminar about designing trash cans. I have no idea what that guy just said.”

Reporters asked another attendee if he understood what Jones spoke about. He confidently responded, “Of course I understood. He was talking about peace among the woodland creatures. I thoroughly support his beliefs.”

Reporters also spoke to Jones after he concluded his bewildering presentation. What follows is the buzzword-to-English translation of what he said.

“I really didn’t know what to tell those people. And, frankly, I didn’t care, either. I just made up a bunch of words that would make it sound like I knew what I was talking about. And these morons don’t know the difference. How do you think I’ve made it in this business for so long? Definitely not by knowing what I’m talking about, that’s for sure.”

Despite the confusion Jones caused throughout the Wilson Auditorium, his speech seems to have gotten rave reviews—although none of those reviews will say exactly what it was that he was talking about. Nonetheless, Jones is planning a nation-wide tour of speaking engagements. Check your local paper for the dates and times in your area.

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