High School History Teacher Gets New Pants
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BLOOMINGTON, IL The halls at the Bloomington Senior High were abuzz last Friday with some new and exciting gossip. American history teacher Mr. Stuart “Rocky” Warner came to school wearing new pants. Mr. Warner, who is well-known for his lack of taste in clothing, had apparently purchased a brand-new pair of Polyester Teacher Pants.

The word began to spread as soon as Mr. Warner arrived for the day. Students immediately noticed that he was wearing a new pair of pants. They were different from the five pairs that he previously owned: navy and pumpkin and brown and forest green and black. Mr. Warner decided to go for a new fashion statement. Something that said he wasn’t afraid to be seen in public looking like a couch at the local Goodwill outlet, only with fewer rips and stains. No, these pants said he wasn’t afraid to stand out in an environment where everyone’s trying to fit in. So Mr. Warner showed up in glowing teal double-knit polyester pants.

And oh, how the students talked!

“Did you see Rocky’s new pants? OMG! He looks like a complete loser!” many said.

Others, however, disagree. “I must say,” said one student, “that Mr. Warner’s daring fashion statement is quite commendable. Very gutsy move—but he makes it work. I admire that. And those pants look quite nice with his brown orthopedic shoes and cream dress shirt.”

Needless to say, very few people learned very much about the Civil War on Friday. The girls were too embarrassed that anyone would be seen like that, and the boys wondered where they could get themselves pants like that.

Even the school’s other teachers had opinions about their colleague’s clothing. In a lunch break poll taken among half of the school’s staff, 36% considered the new pants “hideous.” Forty-two percent were indifferent. Eighteen percent admitted that they owned identical pants. The other four percent preferred not to comment.

Today, Mr. Warner came to school in his usual black pants, but the students (and faculty) at Bloomington High are eager to find out if his recent shopping spree involved more than one pair of new pants. Many are not-so-secretly hoping that he’ll show up for work tomorrow in something equally daring—preferably something plaid.

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