Retiring Fortune Teller Reveals Source
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA In her impressive 33-year career as a fortune teller, Rose Stanton, known to most as Madame Fortuna, has made a profitable life for herself out of predicting the futures of people who pay a few dollars to enter her tent at local county fairs. But now is the end of an era. Madame Fortuna has decided, at the age of 67, to retire to her lovely home, just outside San Francisco.

“I’ve had a good time doing it,” said Fortuna. “I mean, it sure beats the heck out of waiting tables. That’s what I was doing before I started telling fortunes. And I’ve made a ton of cash from all those idiots who really believed me. I considered joining the Psychic Friends Network for a while—the money would have been better, but I wouldn’t have gotten to dress like a gypsy. And I wouldn’t have gotten to see the looks of amazement on the faces of all those people.”

On the occasion of her retirement, Madame Fortuna has decided that it’s time to reveal her source—the secret behind her successful career as a fortune teller.

“Magic 8-Ball,” she said, grinning.

Reporters were stunned to hear that the woman who had been predicting the future for millions of people in the San Francisco area for over three decades had been using a simple toy all along.

“I had it rigged in my crystal ball,” Fortuna explained. “I’d do my fancy arm waving stuff, and meanwhile I’d be pressing a button with my foot. The button would turn the 8-Ball, and I’d read the answer to my customer. Of course, I made it sound all professional, but that’s it. Plain and simple.”

“Oh, and by the way, the outlook is good that stock in Denny’s will be rising very soon,” she added.

And, with that, Madame Fortuna ended her press conference. Astounded reporters rushed out of the press conference to write up their stories—as soon as they went out and bought a Magic 8-Ball and several shares of Denny’s.

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