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Hmmm… Where do I
begin on this one? Do you want the good news or the bad news first? Hold on. There
isn’t any good news.
Maybe I’ll just tell you the story first. Yeah,
that’ll work. The story. As in The Mummy (it might be good to check out my review, since I
plan on referring to it later), The Mummy Returns begins in ancient times. Five
thousand years ago, the Scorpion King (played by The Rock) gathered an army in an attempt
to conquer the world. But he was defeated, and his army was exiled into the desert.
Before he died, he offered to give his soul to the god Anubis in return for sparing his
life and allowing him to defeat his enemies. Anubis took him up on the deal, gave him an
army, let him destroy his enemies, and then took him as his own personal slave. Legend
has it that he’ll return once every five thousand years. And if someone is able to kill
him, that person will have command of his army, which can then be used to take over the
world.
Now jump ahead to 1933. Rick and Evelyn O’Connell (Brendan Fraser
and Rachel Weisz) are digging around an ancient site when Evelyn discovers the bracelet
of the Anubis and brings it back to their home in London. A gang of really bad guys
follows them to London and tries to steal the bracelet so they can use it to track the
Scorpion King. At the same time, they once again resurrect the high priest, Imhotep
(Arnold Vosloo) so he can defeat the Scorpion King and help them take over the world.
Before they can steal the bracelet, though, Rick and Evelyn’s eight-year-old son
accidentally puts the bracelet on his arm, so the bad guys kidnap him. So Rick and
Evelyn have to head back to Egypt, get their son back, and defeat both the mummy and the
Scorpion King in order to save the world from certain doom.
Okay, so
that’s the story. Well, part of it. There’s also some strange stuff about Evelyn being
Nefertiti reincarnated, but we won’t get into that right now. It doesn’t really matter
all that much, anyway.
Remember what I said before about The
Mummy being a little awkwardly goofy at times? Well, that was nothing compared to
The Mummy Returns. This movie is filled with yeah-right fight scenes and a
plethora of stuff that’s cursed. The effects are questionable. The story is
horrifically predictable. The attempted comedy is totally out-of-place. And Rick and
Evelyn fly around in a giant balloon boat thing (no, I’m afraid I’m not kidding). When
it all comes down to it, the only word that can really describe this movie is “hokey.”
It’s totally laughable — but not in the places where it intends to be.
The Mummy may have had its redeeming qualities, but The Mummy
Returns just isn’t worth it. Don’t waste your time.
For more
movies in the Mummy trilogy, check out Lisa Logan’s review of the prequel, The Scorpion King
