After another ten-hour day, Iíd come home, wanting nothing more than a cold beer and to go brain-dead in front of the television. I plopped down in my leather Lazy-Boy and began surfing the channels. Normally I canít stand talk shows but this one caught my attention and wouldnít let it go. Hereís what I saw.
Larry King: Tonight we have in our studios a true legend in the field of cinema. In fact, our guest is one of the few, no he is, letís face it, the only major star of the Japanese silver screen to ever be accepted by American movie-goers. Welcome to our show tonight, Godzilla. Our phone lines are open nationwide, so give us a call, toll-free across America.
Godzilla: Thank you, Larry.
Larry: Zilla, let me tell you what a great thrill it is to
have you on the show tonight. I can call you Zilla?
Godzilla: Iíd really prefer if you didnít, Larry.
I think that the smoke coming out of Godzillaís nose got a little darker at that point.
Larry: Oh, well then. Godzilla, letís talk about your last starring role. You played the lead in that all-time blockbuster motion picture, Godzilla versus Mothra. Tell me what it was like to work with such a talented star like Mothra.
Godzilla: Larry, the Mothra movie was made back in 1967. Thatís almost 40 years ago. Iíve done lots of other things since then. The last movie I was in was that disaster on celluloid in 1998. That movie was one of the reasons I gave up acting and wrote this book.
Godzilla tried to hold up a copy of his book but the camera cut back to Larry drinking something from his coffee cup.
Larry: Well, ha-ha, it looks like I may have had my dates mixed up a little on that one. Nevertheless, Angie and I just loved that movie. We went and saw it three or four times at the drive in out in the valley. Angie talked for days about Mothra. Do you two guys still stay in touch? Whatís he got going on these days?
Godzilla: Larry, Mothra was a special effect Ė a bad one at that, even for 1967. The reason I agreed to do this interview was to plug my new book, not talk about the old B movies.
Larry: Thatís right. Your new book. Itís a collection of poetry, right?
Godzilla: Yes, Larry. My book is called Flaming Haiku, and itís a collection of poetry that Iíve written over the years. Some of it goes back to my days in Junior High School. Iíd like to read a short selectionÖ.
Larry: Letís take some calls first. Al from Tennessee, youíre on the air with Godzilla.
Now Godzilla has definitely got black smoke coming out of his nostrils. There may even be some flames in there.
Al: Thanks, Larry. I love your show. When are you having Liza on again? She is your best guest of all time.
Larry: Thanks, Al. Liza is very busy these days taking her casino act all over the country to just rave reviews, but we plan on having her back on the show very soon. Do you have a question for tonightís guest, Godzilla?
Al: Yes I do, Larry. Mr. Zilla, have you given any thought to the amount of damage you are doing to the Earthís fragile eco-system in all of your battles with Mothra, King Kong, Raydon, and all the rest? This is the only Earth we have, you know.
Godzilla: Al, donít call me Zilla. Thatís not my name. None of those battles did any damage to the eco-system because they were all special effects. Those fights were staged with models and puppets.
Godzilla visibly has fire coming out of his nose at this point. Some of the flames go out almost a foot.
Al: Really? I never knew that. Never mind.
Godzilla: Larry, can I read this poem now? Itís called ďBeing Mean to GreenĒ. Itís something I wrote about the desolation I felt as a youngster who could never really fit in.
Larry: Gee, Godzilla, Iím afraid that weíre out of time for this segment. Maybe you can come back again soon. Right now we have to take a break, and then when we come back, weíll be talking to the worldís most beautiful head of state, Monacoís Princess Caroline.
As CNN headed for a commercial, you could hear a big WHOOOSSSHHHH sound and the start of a scream. Then, instead of the normal two minutes of commercials, they played almost five minutes of public service announcements. When we went back to the studio shot, Larry was sitting there with singed hair and the frames of his glasses were melted
Larry: Folks, thereís been a change in our program schedule. The rest of tonightís program will be devoted to the poetry of our guest, Godzilla.
Godzilla: Thanks, Larry. Folks my first reading will be Ö
At that point, I turned it off. I can take a lot, but somehow Japanese reptilian short verse is more than anyone should have to endure.