I’ve been having this strange recurring craving lately. Chicken McNuggets. Every once in a while, I get this strange, overpowering urge to go out and get myself some Chicken McNuggets. Maybe McDonald’s commercials contain subliminal messages. Or maybe I’m just a woman.
Women are, after all, infamous for their bizarre cravings –- especially when pregnant. Pickles and ice cream, right? Ha, ha! Men can laugh all they want, but those cravings are a bigger part of our lives than they even want to know.
“Don’t you ever just have a terrible need for potato chips? Or strawberry ice cream or something?” I once asked a guy friend.
I could tell by the confused look on his face that he didn’t. “Well,” he began hesitantly. “Sometimes… some foods sound better than others…”
I shook my head emphatically. “No, it’s definitely not like that.”
Cravings, I explained to him, are more like demon possession. Once you let them in, there’s no escape. You think about pork rinds just once, and it’s all over.
“Mmmm… Pork rinds. That sounds good,” you say. But that’s only the beginning. With men, that’s apparently where it stops. But with women… well, just wait.
You may laugh off the craving at first, thinking nothing of it –- or at least pretending that it’s nothing. But it’s no use. It has you.
It’s not long until the thought turns into a want. “I’d really like some pork rinds about now,” you tell yourself. Little do you realize that The Beast is taking over you, slowing breaking you down. It cunningly rips away at your willpower. You can tell yourself all you want that pork rinds are heart failure in a plastic bag, but it will do no good. Because they sound so tasty. And you want them.
“When’s the last time you had pork rinds?” The Beast will ask you. “Remember how good they tasted? Remember how happy you were then? Wouldn’t you like to be that happy again? Then go out and buy some pork rinds!”
Know why? Because…
YOU NEED THEM!
You must have pork rinds, or you could very well die. Your friends will find you dead in a mountain of snack foods. Nothing you try will be good enough. Chips. Pretzels. Cookies. Potted meat products. Nothing will satisfy your craving. Nothing else is good enough!
It doesn’t matter where you are or what time it is. The Beast isn’t picky. And it will slowly tear you apart unless you rush off to the nearest 24-hour convenience store and pick up a family-size bag of pork rinds.
And heaven help the graveyard shift worker at the convenience store if there are no pork rinds on the shelf…! You’ll stare at him with wild, bloodshot eyes and let out a shriek unlike anything he’s ever heard. A shriek that will haunt him in his sleep until the day he dies. And perhaps, if The Beast has an extra-strong grip on you, your head may even spin around -– like that girl in The Exorcist.
But -– no matter what it takes -– you will get your pork rinds. It’s the only way to stop The Beast from destroying you. Because it will, you know. It will slowly eat away at you until you become the embodiment of The Beast itself.
Unless you get your hands on some pork rinds.
So The Beast will compel you to do anything to get those pork rinds –- and it doesn’t matter who you have to step on to get there. Nothing can stand in your way.
And when you finally do get your pork rinds -– once you’re finally indulging in their salty goodness -– you will have satisfied The Beast. And you’ll be back to your normal, happy self again.
Until someone mentions Chicken McNuggets.