- It was just a couple of times back in college, kind of experimental. It doesn't make me gay.
- Wow, look at her! She's my third cousin, I think. That's distant enough.
- Am I the only person in the world who thinks Harry Potter is a better movie than Lord of the Rings?
- It's been a month. How long does it take for the Prozac to kick in?
- My butt hurts.
- If I keep putting the underwear that I've just washed into the top of my underwear drawer, then those will be the first ones I grab to wear, and they will wear out a lot faster than the ones at the bottom of the drawer.
- They couldn't have spent very much on that ugly coffin.
- I'd have to live 300 years to pay back all of my student loan.
- He slept with her and her and her and her and probably
her and maybe her.
- I just went half an hour ago. I can't believe I have to go again.
- Mental note: Take the porno tape out of the VCR before my wife gets home from work.
- This minister looks like one of those evil priests from a Stephen King movie.
- Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.
- I know we were married for ten years, but I just don't feel like saying hi to her today. Is that such a crime?
- Was that a fart or someone's chair squeaking?
- If the Cubs’ starters don't give them seven good innings every game, they're screwed with the crappy bullpen they've got this year.
- Man, that guy must have put on eighty pounds since high school.
- I can't believe she's wearing white shoes in October. And I can't believe I noticed.
- I have no idea how much she paid for those breasts, but she sure got her money's worth.
- The Loch Ness Monster? Maybe. But Bigfoot? No way.
- If I cough while I yawn, maybe no one will notice that I'm yawning.
- Maybe they’re not the biggest bunch up there, but my flowers are pretty damned impressive.
- I hope they have those little sandwiches with the crust cut off.
- Of course it makes a noise. How could a whole big tree fall in a forest and not make any noise?
- What the hell is a throttle body assembly? I think that mechanic is trying to rip me off again.
- If Ferguson thinks I'm going to protect his sorry ass when they find out about those orders he shipped to Australia, he's sadly mistaken!
- Eight o'clock Star Trek re-run, Lakers versus Celtics at nine, and then it's hello Spice Channel!
- Come on, Reverend, pick up the pace a bit! We're all dying here!
- You know, I'll bet egg whites would make my pie crusts bake up flakier.
- Would anybody notice if I called Dominoes and had a pizza delivered?
- Ugh! She just blew her nose on that thing, and now he's putting it back in his pocket. That can't be healthy.
- Did I leave the iron on?
- Whoa! Did he just move!? He couldn't have moved, dummy. He's dead.
- Has anybody else noticed that Windows is just a bad imitation of Macintosh?
- Dadaists, Surrealists, Cubists ... I finally see how they all fit together.
- I actually prefer the industrial-grade toilet paper. That fluffy stuff falls apart too easily.
- What's up with this yellow carpet in here?
- He was a jerk. I'll get more people than this at my funeral.
- Finally! Let's eat!