39 Random Inappropriate Thoughts to Have at a Funeral
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  1. It was just a couple of times back in college, kind of experimental. It doesn't make me gay.
  2. Wow, look at her! She's my third cousin, I think. That's distant enough.
  3. Am I the only person in the world who thinks Harry Potter is a better movie than Lord of the Rings?
  4. It's been a month. How long does it take for the Prozac to kick in?
  5. My butt hurts.
  6. If I keep putting the underwear that I've just washed into the top of my underwear drawer, then those will be the first ones I grab to wear, and they will wear out a lot faster than the ones at the bottom of the drawer.
  7. They couldn't have spent very much on that ugly coffin.
  8. I'd have to live 300 years to pay back all of my student loan.
  9. He slept with her and her and her and her and probably
    her and maybe her.
  10. I just went half an hour ago. I can't believe I have to go again.
  11. Mental note: Take the porno tape out of the VCR before my wife gets home from work.
  12. This minister looks like one of those evil priests from a Stephen King movie.
  13. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship.
  14. I know we were married for ten years, but I just don't feel like saying hi to her today. Is that such a crime?
  15. Was that a fart or someone's chair squeaking?
  16. If the Cubs’ starters don't give them seven good innings every game, they're screwed with the crappy bullpen they've got this year.
  17. Man, that guy must have put on eighty pounds since high school.
  18. I can't believe she's wearing white shoes in October. And I can't believe I noticed.
  19. I have no idea how much she paid for those breasts, but she sure got her money's worth.
  20. The Loch Ness Monster? Maybe. But Bigfoot? No way.
  21. If I cough while I yawn, maybe no one will notice that I'm yawning.
  22. Maybe they’re not the biggest bunch up there, but my flowers are pretty damned impressive.
  23. I hope they have those little sandwiches with the crust cut off.
  24. Of course it makes a noise. How could a whole big tree fall in a forest and not make any noise?
  25. What the hell is a throttle body assembly? I think that mechanic is trying to rip me off again.
  26. If Ferguson thinks I'm going to protect his sorry ass when they find out about those orders he shipped to Australia, he's sadly mistaken!
  27. Eight o'clock Star Trek re-run, Lakers versus Celtics at nine, and then it's hello Spice Channel!
  28. Come on, Reverend, pick up the pace a bit! We're all dying here!
  29. You know, I'll bet egg whites would make my pie crusts bake up flakier.
  30. Would anybody notice if I called Dominoes and had a pizza delivered?
  31. Ugh! She just blew her nose on that thing, and now he's putting it back in his pocket. That can't be healthy.
  32. Did I leave the iron on?
  33. Whoa! Did he just move!? He couldn't have moved, dummy. He's dead.
  34. Has anybody else noticed that Windows is just a bad imitation of Macintosh?
  35. Dadaists, Surrealists, Cubists ... I finally see how they all fit together.
  36. I actually prefer the industrial-grade toilet paper. That fluffy stuff falls apart too easily.
  37. What's up with this yellow carpet in here?
  38. He was a jerk. I'll get more people than this at my funeral.
  39. Finally! Let's eat!

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