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There are many “once in a lifetime” experiences and memories that we remember ever after. One of those experiences, which we often prefer to forget, on the other hand, is the dreaded one-night stand.
Sure, reckless abandon can be exhilarating and in some cases leave us with fond memories. However, more often than not, someone is left with the eerie quiver of regret.
You know the feeling. It’s when you thank your lucky stars that you live in a big city; when you feel your lunch rise up at the expression “It’s a small world”, since that reminds you that a one night indiscretion could sneak up and bite you on the behind at any time.
The scenario: Odds are, you’re in a bar, and all of your senses are distorted. The pounding of the music, the dim lighting, the anaesthetizing affect of the alcohol. Are you lonely? Looking for validation? Out to avenge an ex-lover? Or just plain randy? Whatever the reason, odds are trouble will ensue.
Let’s skip past the obvious festivities and fast forward to some of the possible scenes that could take place the morning after.
- She wakes up at his place and tries to sneak out before ‘party-boy’ awakens, but she can’t find her left shoe amidst the heap of beer cans and pizza boxes on the floor. Strange, the place didn’t look so filthy last night.
Her miniskirt is too tight to bend over in, so she hikes it up to her waist to dredge around through the refuse, when suddenly...“Whoa,” a voice grunts from behind her. Who knew party-boy had a roommate? And he is proof that some people should not wear a thong.
- He wakes up at her place with her snuggled up, head on his shoulder. All he can think about are the jokes his buddies used to tell about chewing his arm off so as not to awake her by trying to escape. Suddenly, he’s not laughing.
Slowly he slithers out from under her grasp. Almost free…RING! The phone wakes her. It’s her mother; so she hands him the phone to talk to Mom while she goes to the washroom.
- She wakes up at her place to the sounds of him grunting and farting. Having awakened himself with own his foul flatulence, he yawns proudly and boldly asks, “What’s for breakfast, Babe?”
She explains that she does not have time to eat, so he promises to shower quickly. And he does, using her handmade unicorn-shaped decorative soap and finally her designer display towels as floor mats. But hey, who wouldn’t understand that his serious, scabby case of athlete’s foot needs fresh towels?
- He wakes up at his place and thinks maybe a little something would start the day off with a bang. But who is this person next to him? Upon closer investigation, he sees that a cosmetic imprint of the face he went to bed with is emblazoned in his pillow case. Yikes!
The only thing to do now is get up and make as much noise as possible to drive her out. What’s-her-name is like a corpse, sleeping until noon. Then she finally awakens and asks if he wants to go to the park for a picnic with her and her four kids.
Next time you’re tempted to live life on the wild side, think about this article before your curiosity takes you out of that smoky bar with a stranger.
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity guaranteed)? Email Christine at: single@keynotebooks.com.
First published in The London Free Press on Thursday, September 26, 2002.
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