I need help! I am 22 years old and moved in with my boyfriend about a month ago. I have always written to friends online -- but now, each and every day, he questions me about who these people are and what my relationship is with each of them. One night, about a week ago, one of my long-time chat friends from Windsor sent me a message. Aware of my boyfriendís concerns, I told the guy that I have a boyfriend now. Still, my boyfriend assumed that, since I was talking to a man, there was something going on between us.
It was almost endearing at first that he cared enough to get jealous, but now itís insulting.
I am not doing anything wrong, nor would I. Itís fine with me that he has platonic girl friends; Iím actually friendly with some of them. Iíve explained that I have nothing to hide and would never be unfaithful, but I am still being questioned. What can I tell him so heíll understand that Iím not like his last girlfriend, who cheated on him?
I understand that he has been hurt before, and thatís where this is coming from. What can I do to help him get over this? -- THERESA Ė LONDON, ON
You can swear on a stack of Bibles, put your own eyes out, or stop corresponding with men all together, but nothing will be enough to satisfy a jealous person.
Jealousy is about fear, control, and power -- not love.
You need to put a halt to this pattern of accusation and denial. Donít coddle him or try to convince him. Thatíll only feed his jealousy and perpetuate the pattern. Let him know how you feel. The rest is up to him. He can either get over his jealousy, or he can get over you.
A friend of mine sent this to me and it reminded me of your column. Perhaps you can share it with your other readers.
ďIíll be happy when...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we meet that special someone, get married, have babies. We rush into relationships, then tell ourselves that life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together. We are frustrated that the kids arenít old enough, and weíll be more content when they are. Then weíre frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
Still, we need a nicer car, a vacation, or weíre eager to retire.
The truth is thereís no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
Itís best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment that you have, and treasure it more because you are striving to be the person you want to be.
Remember: time waits for no one.
So stop waiting until:
You find the love of your life. Your car or home is paid off. You go back to school. You get a new car or home. You lose or gain ten pounds. You get married. You get a divorce. You have kids. Your kids move out. You retire. You die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey -- not a destination. So work like you donít need money, love like youíve never been hurt, and dance like no oneís watching.Ē -- DEAN CRAWFORD Ė ETOBICOKE, ON
This does speak volumes to my philosophy about being content as an individual before seeking contentment in a relationship.
In this age of fast food, fast computers, and all around instant gratification, to bring anything less than two very strong, happy people together to build a future is just courting disaster.
Thanks for sharing, Dean. I think Iíll dance a little jig right now.
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