Stalking Just as Bad as Cheating
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Dear Christine,

My ex-boyfriend wants desperately to get back with me.

The reason we broke up was because I thought he was cheating. Other women phone him constantly. He says he would never cheat on me, but I donít believe him.

I love him so much, but I canít be with someone I canít trust. My suspicion escalated to the point where I peeked over his shoulder and saw his answering machine code, and I call and check his messages.

Iíve also checked his mailbox and found letters from his ex-girlfriend begging him to come back to her. Needless to say, I destroyed the letters and didnít tell him about them. Heís obviously encouraging her in some way. And he has the audacity to get angry because I donít trust him.

I accuse him everyday of cheating. I want to be with him, but I just canít trust him. -- SUE Ė HAMILTON, ON

Dear Sue,

Iím more concerned about your behaviour than his alleged behaviour.

Itís hard to say for sure if heís a cheater. But itís plain to see that you have become a stalker. Do the terms Ďcriminal trespassí or Ďfederal offenceí mean anything to you?

In order to maintain any relationship, trust is only one of the crucial ingredients needed. Yet I donít see any leap of faith coming from your direction. Plus, if heís your ex, why are you spying on him? Is it because he desperately wants to get back with you?

You need to spend less time on covert operations and more time building your self-esteem.

Iím not saying he hasnít cheated on you, and Iím not saying he has. But letís look at this from both sides:

  • If this ex-boyfriend did cheat on you, then you did the right thing in breaking up, and now itís time to move on.
  • If he was faithful, nothing will ever convince you of it. So, since youíve already made up your mind about him, you need to get over him and move on.

Dear Christine,

My fiancťe committed suicide a few months ago. I miss her so much it hurts. As much as Iíve tried to move on, I canít escape the coulda-woulda-shouldas.

Everyone tells me that there was nothing I could have done differently, and now I not only feel guilty for not having been there for her, but I also feel selfish for making her death about me by wallowing in my own grief.

But why shouldnít I feel sorry for myself for having lost the most wonderful woman who ever walked the Earth?

I know thereís nothing you can do. I guess I just thought if I vented a little I might feel better. Thanks for listening. -- ENGANGED TO AN ANGEL Ė PORT HURON, MI

Dear Engaged,

This is truly one of the most engaging letters Iíve ever received. My heart is aching for you and your loss. But I feel strangely peaceful and confident that you will get through this because you have a good soul.

I could spout a dozen clichťs about how itís better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but instead I think professional counselling would help you more.

In London, we have bereavement counselling through private practices or through non-profit agencies like The London Interfaith Counselling Centre (519-434-0077 or Iím sending you a list of grief counsellors and support groups in your area.

Above all, please know that youíre not alone. The Internet and yellow pages are full of options for people just like you who have lost loved ones.

Whoís to say why she took her own life, but the wonderful woman youíve lost would surely want you to live on and be happy.

Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity guaranteed)? E-mail Christine at:

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