AURORA, IL Cousins Tommy Moore (age seven) and Stevie Porter (age eight) caused
calamity in downtown Aurora yesterday. The two reportedly had an argument about who
could get the furthest in Legend of Zelda, when fighting words were first
“Oh, yeah? Well, my imaginary friend, Morty, is bigger than your
imaginary friend,” shouted Stevie.
“Is not,” retorted
“Uh-huh!” said Stevie.
“Wanna bet?” asked
And that’s when the fight began. It appeared as if Morty would
defeat Tommy’s imaginary friend, Willie—until Tommy imagined Willie to be
Those who had been doing some shopping downtown ran for the
protection of nearby stores as imaginary cars began to fly through the streets and
imaginary street lights were ripped right out of the ground.
imaginary armies were called in, and the streets were packed with imaginary friends from
all corners of the universe. All of them were really big and really mean. And they all
had super powers, too.
The imaginary UN army was called to the scene to
try to break up the Universal Imaginary War. Stevie and Tommy began to discuss the
possibility of signing a peace treaty until Morty decided to pick up an imaginary
building and throw it at Willie. The war then restarted.
The battle would
have continued all day, leading to catastrophic imaginary devastation. But then Stevie’s
mom came out of the store and told them that she wouldn’t take them to Chuck E. Cheese if
they didn’t stop fighting.
And at 4:36 p.m., peace was declared.