Imaginary Brawl Breaks Out Downtown
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AURORA, IL Cousins Tommy Moore (age seven) and Stevie Porter (age eight) caused calamity in downtown Aurora yesterday. The two reportedly had an argument about who could get the furthest in Legend of Zelda, when fighting words were first spoken.

“Oh, yeah? Well, my imaginary friend, Morty, is bigger than your imaginary friend,” shouted Stevie.

“Is not,” retorted Tommy.

“Uh-huh!” said Stevie.

“Wanna bet?” asked Tommy.

And that’s when the fight began. It appeared as if Morty would defeat Tommy’s imaginary friend, Willie—until Tommy imagined Willie to be bigger.

Those who had been doing some shopping downtown ran for the protection of nearby stores as imaginary cars began to fly through the streets and imaginary street lights were ripped right out of the ground.

Suddenly, imaginary armies were called in, and the streets were packed with imaginary friends from all corners of the universe. All of them were really big and really mean. And they all had super powers, too.

The imaginary UN army was called to the scene to try to break up the Universal Imaginary War. Stevie and Tommy began to discuss the possibility of signing a peace treaty until Morty decided to pick up an imaginary building and throw it at Willie. The war then restarted.

The battle would have continued all day, leading to catastrophic imaginary devastation. But then Stevie’s mom came out of the store and told them that she wouldn’t take them to Chuck E. Cheese if they didn’t stop fighting.

And at 4:36 p.m., peace was declared.

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