How can a grown person in
his/her mid-40s end a relationship without telling the other party that it’s
The guy I was dating (Fred) was telling me one day how much he cared
about me, and the next day he vanished into thin air. He won’t answer his phone, emails,
or door. We knew each other for two years before we started dating a couple of months
ago. He told me I could trust him. He spoke of mutual honesty and
I’m 37 and have been divorced for four years. Before Fred, I
hadn’t dated in a year and a half.
We got along great—except for one
instance when he had told my daughter and me that he was coming to see her play soccer.
When he didn’t show up, I was worried. The next day, when he told me he’d bumped into
some friends who talked him into going to a casino, I was angry. That almost ended the
relationship. But I apologized for going off the deep end, and Fred apologized for not
calling. I gave him a second chance because I had a gut feeling this guy was the “real
We had been seeing each other once a week and talked on the phone
for hours each night. Then one day he left me a voicemail from a payphone, stating that
his phone was broken and he’d call me as soon as it was fixed. That was four weeks
I feel like I’m a poor judge of character to be duped like this. And
I’m embarrassed that I didn’t even deserve the respect of a “thanks but no thanks.” I
would’ve preferred to have been dumped by e-mail or phone message than the “you don’t
I realize now he’s a coward. It’s a shame that I won’t
trust other men because I’ll wonder if they’re all liars, like
Thanks for listening. I hope you’ll print this so the people who do
the dumping via silence realize they do more damage than they think. -- D – LONDON,
Unless Fred is dead or in jail,
you’re right in saying that he’s a coward. I suspect he’s found someone else, which could
explain where he was on soccer day.
But I’m not concerned about him;
my focus is on you.
It worries me that you bought into his nonsense
and apologized for “going off the deep end” when it was he who blew off you and your
daughter without as much as a phone call. You’re better off without someone who would
have you questioning your own judgment when you were clearly justified in your concerns
As for respect, you did—and do—deserve more respect than
you got from Fred. Thanks to him, you’ve already suffered some heartache. Don’t let his
actions (or lack of actions) make you so cynical that you can’t open up again. It’s
scary, but with a combination of caution and openness, in time you’ll trust
In the meantime, focus on your daughter. His disappearance was
surely confusing and hurtful to her as well.
Take care, and don’t be
so hard on yourself.
does my boyfriend get so mad when I ask him what he’s thinking or if something is wrong?
-- CONFUSED – PORT HURON, MI
Because men hate it when women assume they’re constantly in
deep thought. Most guys will tell you they simply aren’t as deep as you’d think. He could
be thinking about what colour he’d like to paint his dream car…how much he likes
boobies…or wondering who came up with the idea to put pineapple on pizza. Quizzing him
constantly will only drive him farther away.
Maybe he just feels like a
little quiet time. If that’s true, you have to give him his space.
he’s off in his own world all the time, it may be an indication that the relationship is
in trouble. But once in a while is no big deal.
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