Campaign for Drain Commissioner Gets Dirty
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CHARM, OH This year is an important one in the world of politics. Important issues will be discussed, and important decisions will be made. But, as anyone in Holmes County will tell you, none of those decisions can compare to the importance or controversy surrounding the campaign for the Holmes County Drain Commissioner.

As Holmes County residents prepare for the early August election, the candidates appear to be getting desperate. And the previously-calm campaign is turning into a down-and-dirty mudslinging battle.

It all started two weeks ago, when—out of sheer desperation—Kenneth Kimber (D), who had dropped in the polls to a mere 23%, decided that he needed to act fast or abandon the race—and his dream of being elected County Drain Commissioner. So he put his best men on the case to dig for information—any dirty little tidbit about his opponent that could push the Kimber campaign ahead.

And then the piece of information for which Kimber had been praying for finally arrived. The election team hurried to put together a campaign commercial, which was professionally produced by the Charm Public Television crew. The commercial reveals, in a realistic dramatization featuring none other than Charm’s very own hometown star, Kimber supporter and WRUOK news anchor Bobby Poplar, that, for the last five weeks, Reform Party candidate Sam McFee’s very own shower drain has been clogged!

“Would you want this man in charge of your county’s drains?” a somber Poplar asks in the commercial.

Holmes County residents have answered with a resounding, “No!” Polls have shown that Kimber has passed up McFee, who now holds only 41% in the polls.

McFee’s election committee is scrambling for ammunition to use against Kimber. And although they have yet to decide on the perfect campaign slogan to boost their numbers back to where they had been before the scandal arose, the McFee team has a number of options—none of which are really any good. One anonymous source reveals that they will most likely be forced to resort to the slogan: “Kenneth Kimber—He Kicks his Neighbor’s Dog.”

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