Man Really Wants to Ruin a Good Friendship
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KANSAS, OK Dan Simmons has announced that he really doesn’t care about his “really great friendship” with Cara Schlink—and he’s totally prepared and willing to ruin that friendship.

Simmons, who met Schlink last fall in Algebra class, has been madly in love with her ever since, but she still has no clue. None whatsoever. The two of them became good friends—contrary to Simmons’ wishes for something more—right around the time that they worked together in a small group in class. But, Simmons has decided, he has more friends than he can handle.

Last night, as the two of them were eating dinner together at the burger place in the mall’s food court, Simmons decided that the mood and the ambience were just right—so he somewhat nervously asked Schlink if she’d accompany him to his grandparents’ wedding anniversary celebration next weekend.

“Um,” Schlink sighed, “Like, as your date?”

“Uh, yeah,” Simmons responded.

“Dan, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said Schlink. “I mean, you’re totally my best guy friend, and I don’t want to ruin that. And I know that as soon as we go out on a date, that would totally complicate stuff, and…I just don’t think it would be a good idea. ‘Cuz if something would happen and we’d break up, then we’d lose this really great friendship.”

Simmons tried to explain to Schlink that he had thought it all through—and that it was quite all right with him. Schlink, however, was quite convinced of her views, and she refused to listen to Simmons’ protests.

“She wants to be friends,” Simmons told his best friend, Steve, after the event. “I’ve got more friends than one guy needs. What I don’t have is a girlfriend. That’s what I need. So I really don’t care if I lose a friend. In fact, I am totally prepared to destroy a perfectly good friendship. I’ve got a few to spare.”

Schlink, however, is unlikely to change her mind. Because while she believes that Simmons is a really nice guy—and a great friend—she also thinks that he has a bad haircut and horrible taste in clothes. Besides, as she recently revealed to her roommate, Renee, if she were to express any interest whatsoever in Simmons, his friend, Steve, might not ask her out.

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