CORNISH, ME Today the
entire galaxy is completely indebted to one man—Corwin Ellens—who, through his heroic
actions, has prevented certain doom and destruction. Thanks to Ellens, life continued as
normal today. And although very few people will mention it—in fact, very few people even
know that this unbelievable event took place—everyone lives today because of Corwin
Ellens. A man. A father. A postal worker. A hero.
By day, Ellens is a
mild-mannered postal worker. By night, he saves the world. But it hasn’t been easy.
It’s taken skill. Persistence. Strength. And it’s taken seven hours each night for the
past two months.
But he finally did it. Corwin Ellens has saved the
Last night, Ellens finally beat the Galaxy Blaster 3050 game that
he bought for his son’s Sega Dependency 9000X. He made it past the Nuclear Dragon. He
defeated the Giant Chipmunk of Kismet. He climbed the Mountain of Woe. And, last night,
Ellens was finally able to conquer the Gargantuan Gatorbeast of
Ellens commented on the accomplishment this morning as he sat in
Corky’s Donuts and Deli, drinking coffee with fellow postal workers. “I finally figured
it out. On level three—the one with the poisonous alligators—there’s a wall in the
middle of the swamp. If you climb it, you’ll find a key hidden in the fourth brick from
the left. You have to save that key and use it on Door Number Five in the Let’s Make a
Deal of Doom room that appears in level nine. Inside the door, you find a toothpick.
You have to save the toothpick and use it in level nineteen to help the Ravenous Lion
pick a piece of caribou out of his teeth. He’ll then be so grateful that he’ll be your
eternal slave. And eventually, in level forty-one, he’s the one who destroys the
“And to think,” chuckles Ellens, “that my wife wanted me to
stop playing so we could go to our son’s soccer championship game! Ha! I hate to think
of what would have happened to the galaxy if I hadn’t spent that extra time in front of
Now a hero among postal workers in the Cornish area, Ellens has
dedicated his life to training fellow galaxy defenders. He is available nightly to
answer questions at 1-800-GALAXY1.