How to Kill Time During Your Performance Evaluation
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*Sleep* In many cases the evaluation process is so automated that this will not be detected. You will discover clues that it's over and time for you to sign. You may notice a lot of paperwork pushed toward you, along with a pen. That is a strong indication it is done for another six months to a year. You must now awaken sufficiently to write your name. Come on. Do it for the kids.

*Play oldies in your head* Something good and loud with a nice beat. If you can still hear someone talking, change songs. A few of my personal favs are 'Burning Down the House' by The Talking Heads, the Stones' 'Heartbreaker,' and the Righteous Brothers' version of 'Ebb Tide.'

*Pretend you are a British prisoner of war who is being interrogated by a Japanese commander during WWII* You might say, mentally, "You do understand, old boy, that I'm going to need some tea." Then when the commander points a gun at your head, you might mentally retort, "Not very sporting of you, is it, chap, when I'm unarmed myself?"

  
 
*Time how long you can hold your breath* Use your watch or the convenient clock on the wall for accuracy. By hyperventilating a bit first, you might be able to hold out all the way through the topic of how well you accomplished your major work objectives.

*Give yourself an insulin injection* Just pull up your shirtfront, or roll up your sleeve, and jab the needle into your flesh. There's something ritualistic about hypodermics, and your boss may pause in her recitation of your qualities to allow you to retract the syringe and dispose of it safely. Even if she doesn't, tell her you're still listening, and encourage her to continue with your evaluation. In the unlikely event that you don't take insulin on the job, take out your pill holder with its compartments-by-date, and fill it up with your tranks, anti-inflammatories, and hallucinogens for the coming week.

*Fantasize sexually, and touch yourself under the table* Actual work was never this exciting.

*Pretend you are on trial for the murder of Nicole Simpson* Suddenly the glove is introduced as evidence. Smirking, you try it on without fear.

*Look out the window and check the weather* Now touch the desk in front of you. Feel how smooth and cool it is. The world is full of wonderful things that have nothing to do with work.

*Stick your hands deeply into your pockets or purse* Now, without taking them out, count your loose change.

*Plan your lunch hour and evening's activities* After a day like this you'll need to treat yourself to something special and unwind fully. Pizza, beer and methadone sounds like a real possibility.

*Balance your checkbook and/or pay bills* Mix these in with your evaluation forms and no one will be the wiser. Your grunts and frowns over overdrafts will appear to be zealousness for the job.

*Ask for a week off* Complete the written request form then and there. Think about what you could do in all that time if you had money.

*Mentally calculate pi to at least 6 decimal places* If that's too hard, see how many people's phone numbers you know by heart.

*Recite history* For example, list in your head the main events leading up to the American War of Independence. Even you must know a few.

*Cry or become ill* Do not, however, give signs of intoxication or of being high. Tears are fine, even hysterics, if you're the type. Moaning and vomiting are also acceptable, but definitely to be displayed with discretion are such behaviors as slurred speech and euphoric laughter.

*Scratch your scratch-off lotto tickets* Place the losers in a neat pile on the desk before you. If you win, say loudly, "Oh my god, I won!" Repeat this outburst over and over.

*Eat* The more elaborate the meal, the better. If your evaluation is during the morning, explain that you missed breakfast, or if in the afternoon explain that you didn't have time for lunch.

*Read the Bible aloud* Every so often, hum a gospel song with feeling deep as a river.

*Take a personal inventory of your physical fitness* Start with each limb to see if it still moves, then each finger and toe. Don't overlook your neck and spine. Test each for suppleness. Finally see how many individual muscles you can flex at will.

Whatever you do, your boss probably won't mind. She has at least ten of these employee evaluations to get through, and nothing is going to hold her up. In fact, it's wise for you to sign yours without reading it, once you are certain you're not being fired. That way, it's back to your cube as soon as possible to get on with that novel or computer game you've been working on.

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