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KEMMERER, WY News quickly spread around the world this morning after the
unexpected happened. After years of training, Wilbur Howard is pleased to announce that
two of his prize pigs, Pinky and Curly, strapped on their artificial wings at eight
o’clock this morning—surrounded by reporters, cameramen, friends, and well-wishers—and
soared across the yard.
The event was a fantastic advance for the animal
kingdom, but very few people are currently thinking about its future implications for the
animal world. Most people are contemplating what this event that took place in Kemmerer
(The Fossil Fish Capital of the World) will mean for them.
Beautiful women
around the world have locked themselves in their homes today, recalling all the losers to
whom they once said, “I’ll go out with you when pigs fly.”
But the
occasion is a much more joyous one for millions of others. The losers of the world, for
instance, are ecstatic about the possibility of finally dating.
In offices
everywhere, employers await their employees’ completion of boring projects. And
employees eagerly anticipate substantial raises, promotions, and respect from their
employers.
Children around the world are excited about finally getting
their own rooms. Or swimming pools. Or ponies. Or baby brothers. They’re eating meals
of nothing but ice cream and M&Ms. And they’re anticipating skipping school on a regular
basis.
Teenagers are getting motorcycles, tattoos, and bizarre piercings.
And lawyers and politicians are suddenly becoming ethical. And it’s all because of two
exceptional pigs.
At the same time, people are now looking for new ways to
get out of things they don’t want to do. Some have been trying out the phrase “when the
sun crashes into the earth, causing it to explode into tiny little bits.” While this
phrase feels a bit long and clunky, its promoters feel that it’s safe—since, in the
unlikely circumstance that the event actually occurs, there’s a very good chance that
they’ll still be unable to perform the undesired task mentioned.
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