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KEMMERER, WY News quickly spread around the world this morning after the unexpected happened. After years of training, Wilbur Howard is pleased to announce that two of his prize pigs, Pinky and Curly, strapped on their artificial wings at eight o’clock this morning—surrounded by reporters, cameramen, friends, and well-wishers—and soared across the yard.

The event was a fantastic advance for the animal kingdom, but very few people are currently thinking about its future implications for the animal world. Most people are contemplating what this event that took place in Kemmerer (The Fossil Fish Capital of the World) will mean for them.

Beautiful women around the world have locked themselves in their homes today, recalling all the losers to whom they once said, “I’ll go out with you when pigs fly.”

But the occasion is a much more joyous one for millions of others. The losers of the world, for instance, are ecstatic about the possibility of finally dating.

In offices everywhere, employers await their employees’ completion of boring projects. And employees eagerly anticipate substantial raises, promotions, and respect from their employers.

Children around the world are excited about finally getting their own rooms. Or swimming pools. Or ponies. Or baby brothers. They’re eating meals of nothing but ice cream and M&Ms. And they’re anticipating skipping school on a regular basis.

Teenagers are getting motorcycles, tattoos, and bizarre piercings. And lawyers and politicians are suddenly becoming ethical. And it’s all because of two exceptional pigs.

At the same time, people are now looking for new ways to get out of things they don’t want to do. Some have been trying out the phrase “when the sun crashes into the earth, causing it to explode into tiny little bits.” While this phrase feels a bit long and clunky, its promoters feel that it’s safe—since, in the unlikely circumstance that the event actually occurs, there’s a very good chance that they’ll still be unable to perform the undesired task mentioned.

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