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Nothing ever happens in
Burrito, Illinois. So in order to escape the usual Burrito monotony, Briar (a comedian
who’s not really funny), Cecil (who’s in a rock band that sucks), and Ernie (who drives a
delivery van), decide to spend an evening at Vibrations, the local strip club.
While they’re inside, Freddy the Gimp, a low-level mobster, stops by
Vibrations before returning to his boss with a bag of diamonds that he was supposed to
pick up. He gets into a fight with his sometimes-girlfriend, Vixen, and accidentally
kills her. Not knowing what to do, he stows the body in a nearby van, stashes the
diamonds in her boot, and rushes off to call his boss.
When Briar, Cecil,
and Ernie leave the club, they have no idea what’s in the back of the van. And when they
finally realize they’ve somehow acquired a dead stripper, they’re not really sure what to
do about it. After all, nothing ever happens in Burrito.
Burrito,
Illinois is a bizarre conglomeration of just about anything you might find offensive
or the slightest bit icky—like necrophilia, obsessive lesbian psychiatrists who seduce
their patients, and old transvestites who were discharged from the army for molesting a
thermos, just to name a few. Done in the right way, it could be humorous—but it just
wasn’t done in the right way here. While the story has potential (despite the icky
parts), it doesn’t really work, and it seems like a number of side-stories were thrown in
for either added offensiveness or just added page length (like the long and especially
un-funny story of how Burrito got its name).
There are also a number of
phrases that the author repeats over and over—which, again, could have been funny if done
right. But sayings like “He almost crapped his pants,” or “What a prick!” (which
tells the reader how he or she is supposed to feel about a character) or “I don’t think
they’re home,” just aren’t that funny. And using them repeatedly just makes them
irritating. In the end, most of the book felt like a big inside joke—and I was on the
outside.
I expected a few good laughs from this book, but, unfortunately,
I didn’t get them. I kept reading, hoping that the story would pick up—and become as
amusing as I knew it could be—but it just missed the mark.
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