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I have always been a sleeper. When I was a kid, I loved weekends only because I could sleep until noon. Forget about Batman or Speedy Gonzales or the Pink Panther, I was out until lunch.

Nobody would look twice at my sleep obsession if I lived in another country. Say, in Spain, where taking a siesta is as much a part of your day as eating lunch. But, come to think of it, I'll bet siestas are for men in Spain. Senora has floors to sweep and tortillas to make. I'm pretty sure she isn't allowed a leisurely nap. The same goes for many places in Europe where shops and restaurants are closed for several hours each day, so the proprietor can eat lunch and take an afternoon rest. Again, I'm betting that naptime there is for the male population, too. (Maybe honeymooners get a break.) I've never seen commercials featuring Mama Mia types fanning themselves in the hammock; she's too busy making the sauce.

I know Japan condones "power naps," but I need a larger dose of the good stuff. I'll take two hours, please.

But as much as I like to snooze, everything has to be just right. No music playing, no television blaring, and no faucets dripping. Rain is good; the sound of a fan is nice, too, but no snoring from other people who share my hobby.

And I need my bed to be perfect. No waterbeds sloshing. You know, the kind that has too much water or needs to be filled, or the heater's too hot or not hot enough? No air mattresses to make me sweat in the dead of winter either. I want a nice, firm mattress, with clean cotton sheets. Give me one pillow, not two or three, and at least two blankets, if you please. No Afghans with holes to let in cold air. No throws. I need a real blanket. Better yet, a comforter, or better still, a quilt and a comforter.

You want to really make me happy? Add a fan that purrs like a kitten to drown out the noise, and turn off the phone. It's not like I don't have an answering machine! For those special times, a good dose of Tylenol PM really sets the mood, and of course, Karen Neuburger pajamas are the most comfortable things to have on. (Just ask Oprah who recommended them first.)

With those simple things in place, I can do what I do best. So leave me alone, I need some more rest!

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