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Dear Christine,
Four years!
We’ve been dating for four years. What do I have to do to get my man to commit?
I’ve
been patient, but this is getting ridiculous. Am I wasting my time? -- IMPATIENT – LUDUC,
ALBERTA
Dear Impatient,
Spending four years with
the same person is a commitment in itself, but if you need more, you’re going to have to
start asking some questions.
What are you looking for? Marriage? A
common-law arrangement? Monogamy? What exactly constitutes a commitment in your mind and
in his?
What is preventing him from moving to the next level? Does he have
financial or employment concerns? Does he want to be free to date other people? Is
something lacking in your relationship?
You need to make sure he hasn’t
been staying with you just out of convenience or habit. Discuss your hopes, goals, and
desired timelines.
I personally don’t think it’s ever a “waste of time”
being with a person you care about. But, in your case, after four years, if the two of
you aren’t on the same page or at least in the same chapter, perhaps it’s time to make a
break for it.
Dear Christine,
When my
girlfriend and I first started dating, we were inseparable. I think many couples go
through the stage where they want to spend every minute together. However, it’s been a
year and a half, and I can’t seem to cut loose.
She used to like how
attentive I was, but now she feels overwhelmed by my constant presence. She’d like some
time after work and on the weekends to spend by herself and with friends. I’m trying to
find ways to break the routine and give her the space she needs.
We’re in
the same business, and her employers are hiring. I’m thinking about applying there. I
figure if we spend our work days together, I’ll find it easier to back off and give her
space.
Do you have any other ideas on how I can pull back without losing
the closeness we have? I know I should get out there and do things with my friends, but
I’d rather hang out with my girlfriend. -- HEAD OVER HEELS – GUELPH, ONTARIO
Dear Head Over Heels,
Ah, the can’t-stand-to-be-apart phase.
We’ve all been there.
But as you said, there’s a time when we all need
space.
There’s no bigger turn-off than a clingy, needy partner. It’s
smothering.
It’s good that you’re aware of your negative pattern. Now you
need to stop dwelling on your own needs and think about how others are affected by your
self-involved neediness. Given your co-dependent frame of mind, substituting your
friends is probably not the best thing for you. You need to spend time with you. Get a
hobby, join a gym, find the independent man inside the lonely little boy you’ve
become.
Do not—I repeat, do not—make any attempts to get a job at
her place of employment. She’s made it clear she needs a freer schedule to be her own
person. She doesn’t need your selfish twist on a new smothering
agenda.
Have a question, a thought, or a story to share (anonymity
guaranteed)? Email Christine at: single@keynotebooks.com.
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