Advice for the Traveler
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Listen if you haven't been traveling coach on an airplane for a while, I've got some news for you. You're not supposed to use the lavatories in first class. Got that? So no matter how many people are waiting to use the john in coach, and no matter how bad you have to go, you cannot use the first class loo. It's simply not allowed. And they announce this over the PA system, just so there's no confusion.

My son Danny, on our way to Florida, had to go. He kept an eye out but never seemed to be able to get to the bathroom when it was free. So he decided to get out of his seat and head to the back of the plane to wait in line for the lavatory. A flight attendant told him he couldn't wait in the aisle and sent him back to his seat. No sooner did he spy the lav at the front of the plane than an announcement came instructing coach class passengers not to use the first class toilet. The kid was getting nervous now. He was up on his knees in his seat, waiting for a vacancy in the economy can. The door opened and Danny sprung from his seat, only to be beaten to the toilet by a woman whose seat was closer. "Ooooooh," Danny moaned, as he returned to his seat. "I gotta go." He resumed his lying-in-wait position on his seat, and as soon as the lavatory door opened, Dan the Man leapt over his father and dashed down the aisle. This time, to the relief of us all, he made it.

So go before you get on the plane, and stay away from the complimentary beverages. They're nothing but diuretics anyway. You can get to where you're going without a complimentary beverage. It's not that big a deal. I hate airplane potties. I've been known to climb over the seatbacks to get off the plane, so I can hit the privy in the terminal.

And guess what else? You know those scrumptious airplane meals? They're not freebies anymore. Can you believe they'll charge you five bucks for one of those if you really have to have it? Who would pay actual cash for airplane food? Grab a Power Bar, or better yet, wait until you land. Then you don't run the risk of having to wait in line for the economy class john.

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