Alexander Review
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I never listen. When the Cinematic Elite tells me that a movie is a work of art, I rarely see it. When they tell me that a movie is a horrible monstrosity, I often feel the need to prove them wrong. So when I heard that Alexander was a gigantic flop, I didn’t listen. Despite the complaints from moviegoers everywhere…despite the long list of Razzie nominations…I went to see it anyway.

For once, I wish I’d listened.

Alexander tells the story of Alexander the Great (Colin Farrell), beginning with his life as the child of the king, Philip (Val Kilmer), and crazy, manipulative Olympias (Angelina Jolie), who claims Alexander is the son of Zeus. After Philip is murdered, Alexander becomes king. He strives to avenge his father’s death—and to conquer the world. With his friends and advisors at his side, Alexander spends years away from home, fighting in distant lands.

At one point in the movie, someone says that the Greeks are a superior people because they do everything in moderation. But the movie doesn’t practice what it preaches. Alexander is just plain overdone. The music is overdone—it’s often so loud that it’s impossible to hear the dialogue. The acting is overdone—Farrell and Jolie try to be intense and end up looking silly. And the battle scenes are overdone—complete with nauseating strobe-like effects and lots of spurting blood.

Most of all, the whole bi-sexuality plotline is overdone. It makes no difference to me if Alexander happened to be bi-sexual. I’ve studied ancient history enough to know that that was often the case in his time, so I have no problem with the inclusion of Alexander’s relationship with Hephaistion (Jared Leto). But despite the fact that it wasn’t critical to the story itself, it forced its way into the majority of the film. I’ve heard rumors that Oliver Stone was thinking about removing that particular sub-plot for the DVD release—but I have no idea how he’d be able to do so without reducing the movie to a 45-minute short.

Colin Farrell wasn’t exactly a good choice for the role of Alexander, either. His accent doesn’t really belong in ancient Macedonia, and I had a hard time finding him intimidating in his bleach-blonde-mullet-and-miniskirt ensemble.

In the end, Alexander is just as bad as everyone says it is. It’s long and drawn-out. It tries way too hard to be controversial. And it’s boring. The people around me started getting restless about two hours in—some started chatting, others just walked out. And I was relieved when Alexander died—his death couldn’t have come soon enough.

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