Love and Telepathy (Or: What Women Want)
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I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. Men keep telling us that they just can’t figure out what we want—even though it’s so very simple. In fact, we hint at it every single day, but they still don’t get it.

And if they can’t figure it out on their own, we’re not going to tell them.

On a good day, however, if we’re feeling open and honest, we’ll explain that we really just want someone who knows us and understands us. Someone who laughs with us and cries with us. Someone who gives us an excited congratulatory hug when things go our way—and a loving, compassionate hug when they don’t (not to mention someone who knows the difference).

In short, what women really want is for men to read our minds and respond accordingly. To illustrate, let me give a few examples.
  • Men should buy flowers or other thoughtful little gifts to show us that they love us. These gifts should arrive at the exact moment that we need them—like when we’ve just come out of a bad meeting, when we get a raise, or when the dinner has just boiled all over the kitchen. They should also arrive on special occasions—like birthdays and anniversaries. These gifts should not, however, arrive too frequently—because then we’ll start to feel suffocated.

  • Men should show us that they have a sensitive, emotional side. But they shouldn’t be whiny, emotional wrecks, either. That just makes them look weak and pathetic. Besides, only women are allowed to do that.

  • Men should hold our hand—and sometimes even put their arm around us—in public. But they shouldn’t do it all the time, or it’ll make them look possessive and/or codependent.

  • Men should know when we’ve had a long day and just don’t feel like cooking. Then they’ll call us in the middle of the afternoon (as opposed to early evening, when we’ve already started cooking) and say, “Let’s go out for dinner tonight—any place you want.” Or, better yet, they’ll say, “I’m going to put my gourmet cooking classes to use and cook you a nice candlelight dinner.”

  • Similarly, men should sense when we’ve seen more dirty dishes than we can handle, and they should say, “You just sit back and relax. Let me wash the dishes.”

  • Men should ask us how our day was—but not if we don’t want to talk about it. And, while they’re listening, they should ask questions to show that they’re really interested. They shouldn’t ask questions that will make us upset, though—and they should know which ones those are (they’re updated daily).

  • Men should be complimentary—to give us the self-esteem boost that we need from time to time. They shouldn’t be too gushing, though, because we won’t believe them. And they should never compliment us on an outfit or a pair of shoes that we hate because we’ll think that there’s something wrong with our personal taste.

  • Men should give us all the attention we need. They should also realize when we need some time to ourselves—and then they should leave us alone.

  • Finally, men should pick their dirty socks up off the floor and return the toilet seat to its natural position: down. This example has no conditions or exceptions. Because there are never any moments when we really want dirty socks on our floor or when we want to sit down on the toilet and fall in. Never.
So that’s it. Men really only have to do two things to make women happy:
  1. Know what we want them to do
  2. Do it cheerfully
Isn’t that simple? We sure think so.

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