Celebrity Babble
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Ben and Jennifer, Jennifer and Marc, Ben and Jennifer (the one he married), Brad and Jennifer, Brad and Angelina, Jennifer and Vince, Demi and Ashton, Britney and What’s-His-Name, Paris and Paris, Paris and everybody, Tori Spelling and whomever it is she married and then dumped like a bag of dirty laundry. Mary-Kate and Ashley and which one is in school and which one quit or who stole their boyfriends. Britney Spears—All About the Baby; Tom and Katie—All About the Baby. Tom Cruise criticizing Brooke Shields. Tom Cruise pontificating on pregnancy and post-partum depression. (Wait—was this before or after he was hopping around on Oprah’s couch? I forget.)

Note to Tom Cruise: Tom, I wish you could spend one year as a woman, and during that year, get PMS, have some really bad cramps, menstruate, get pregnant, have a baby after 24 hours of labor (no Caesarean Sections allowed) and experience a little bit of life after the baby. Then we’ll see if you still want to bounce around on couches.

Can I take this opportunity to vent for a moment about Paris Hilton? Who is she? What is she? Heiress, socialite, “celebutante,” porn star? What? What purpose does she serve? You want to know what I want to know most about Paris Hilton? I want to know what’s wrong with her eye. Her left eye appears to droop. Is this a plastic surgery mishap? Or is this some medical condition that perhaps Ms. Hilton could shed some light on and help others in the same plight?

And why does Nicole Richie always look jaundiced to me? Is it her hair color? What is it?

Note to Christina Aguilera: Christina, it’s time to grow up and put some clothes on.

What about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? They’re on; they’re off; they’re wearing rings; they’re not wearing rings; she’s traveling alone; he’s traveling alone. Um, ‘scuse me—what does this have to do with the real world? I’m still shocked at the comment Jessica’s father (also her manager) gave to the press about his daughter: “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt, or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!" What’s wrong with this guy? Comments like that about his own daughter make him sound like a perv. I would be mortified if I were Jessica. Last I read she was in therapy. Ya think?

Note to Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay dear, leave your hair alone. Bottled blonde does not become you.

If I see Angelina or Jennifer on another cover of People, I’m canceling my subscription. I like People for the movie and book reviews, and every once in a while they have a good human interest or current events article. But for the love of Pete, man, give us a break!

But I’ll tell you one thing: If Rosa Parks (whose name shouldn’t even be uttered in the same breath as any of those mentioned above) isn’t on the next cover of every single magazine—well then, it’s a sad state of affairs indeed. If anyone is truly deserving of a cover, it’s Ms. Parks. May she rest in peace.

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