Out with the Old Year
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One of the things about a new year is so much time is spent rehashing the previous one. Imagine my surprise when I received my double issue of People—Best (and Worst!) of 2005 and—gasp—Jennifer Aniston was on the cover! There was also a small pic of Tom and Katie sticking their tongues out. Those crazy kids.

Let’s peruse through and see what’s what. Why, here’s a picture of Angelina Jolie toting one of her kids around. We just don’t see enough pictures of Angelina and her kids. Those kids will have separation anxiety when they start school. Oh, and look! A snap of Angelina and Brad picking out a Christmas tree. A 14-foot blue spruce, no less! Where were the paparazzi when I had a sales clerk at Michaels up on a ladder, un-decorating a little display tree I could get for half price? They must have been on break.

Oooh, and here’s a picture of Prince William, described as “rappelling” down Holyhead mountain with a Royal Air Force rescue team. Good idea, Bill. You never know when you might have to scale the walls of Windsor to rescue the artwork in an emergency.

And there are “before” and “after” pictures of Kirstie Alley. Those are always a treat to see.

Of course, there’s mention of Nicole Richie’s split from her beau. Note to People: NO ONE CARES!

Colin Farrell went into rehab. Why does that not surprise me?

And 2005 was the year for celeb memoirs. Kirstie Alley and her battle with obesity, Brooke Shields’ battle with post-partum depression where she had visions of her daughter being thrown against a wall. (NOTE TO SELF: Don’t call Brooke to babysit.) Jane Fonda wrote of her first husband’s fondness of threesomes. Goldie Hawn says she was molested as a young girl but didn’t suffer any lasting harm. Then there’s Tab Hunter (we’re back in the 50s here, folks) and his affair with Tony Perkins. My, my, my, it just never stops.

Of course, there’s the top selling, most watched, most requested anything you can think of. Can you guess which rapper’s song sold 1,859,762 ringtones? Do you care?

There’s an interview with President and Mrs. Bush about their year in the White House. Hmm. No mention of Charles and Camilla’s visit. Guess it wasn’t one of the highlights for the Bushes. (Ssshh. Don’t tell Chuck and Cam. It’ll hurt their feelings.)

If you really pore over the magazine, you’ll find a mention here and there about the real world, but you have to really look. It’s in there amongst Jennifer and Brad’s split and Britney’s kid with that guy she married. If you skip past the two-page spread of every picture ever published of Tom and Katie kissing, and past the pages and pages of celebrity splits—keep going, keep going—past the skinny starlets, this year’s fads, the best dresses, you’ll come to some little articles about real-life drama: Michael Schiavo, Hurricane Katrina, a tsunami survivor, and a witness to the London bombings.

There are teeny little articles about retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, Beth Twitty, whose daughter Natalee went to Aruba and disappeared, Melissa Etheridge and her battle with breast cancer, Cindy Sheehan, a mother who camped out at President Bush’s Texas ranch after her son was killed in Iraq, the resolution of the Deep Throat mystery, and how being held hostage turned Ashley Smith’s life around. There are a few sentences on bird flu, the BTK killer, a French woman who is the recipient of the first-ever partial face transplant, and the bug-eyed runaway bride.

Okay, done with that.

Then it’s on to the celebrity weddings of 2005. Did you know Charles and Camilla had organic fruitcake at their wedding? Says so right here. And Charles and Camilla turned their family wedding picture into their official Royal Holiday card. Isn’t that clever? Recycling wedding photos, how frugal. Why didn’t I think of that?

Oh, and I see Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood got married. We’ll see how long that one lasts. Matt Damon got married too—at City Hall in Manhattan, and then he went to work. There’s a fun guy. I guess his bride knows where she stands. Donald Trump scored another triumph, marrying a woman 24 years his junior. The cost of the dress, ring, flowers and cake could rebuild New Orleans. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are another May-December married couple.

And don’t forget about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, who got married on a Turks and Caicos beach. That’s what I’m going to do for my next wedding. And Christina Aguilera’s wedding to Jordan Bratman cost $2 million and lasted three days. Now those two know how to have a party. Kelis and Nas got married, but I have to confess I don’t have a clue as to who they are. Sandra Bullock married a guy named Jesse James. Someone married Robert Downey Jr. Alicia Silverstone and her groom had vegan burgers at their wedding.

2005 was a big year for weddings. There are just too many to mention.

Along with weddings, we have celebrity baby births; over 40 listed—some even occurring in the same year as the parents’ wedding. There’s a picture of Denise Richards in her hospital bed cradling her newborn. Denise appears to be in full makeup, too. I didn’t have a chance to put on my makeup before the press came to take pictures when I had my kids. There are some great baby names here too, in case anyone needs any ideas: Mateo Bravery, Owen Isabelle (it’s a girl), Alastair Wallace (Rod Stewart’s baby). We also have Pirate, Moxie CrimeFighter, Poet Sienna Rose and Kal-el Coppola.

Of course, the yearly rehash wouldn’t be complete without honoring the dead: Richard Pryor, Johnny Carson, Pope John Paul II, Prince Ranier, Luther Vandross, Frank (“The Riddler”) Gorshin, Bob Denver, Hunter S. Thompson and sadly, too many others.

What’s in store for 2006? Well, we can always start taking bets on the longevity of the 2005 weddings. I’m sure pages will still be full of Jen, Angelina, Tom and Katie, Paris (hopefully not) and all those other fun people who refuse to fade from the limelight.

I can hardly wait.

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