Yet Another Birthday Fit for a Queen
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Okay, I don’t want to be repeating myself here, but the Queen celebrated her birthday—again. See, the Queen has two birthdays every year—April 21 and June 17. April 21 is her real birthday; that is, the day she was born—for real and for true. June 17 is a ceremonial birthday; that is, the Queen’s “official” birthday—I guess for ceremonial purposes. This is because the weather is better in June than it is in April—for ceremonial purposes, of course.

You know what this means, don’t you? That’s right! ANOTHER BIRTHDAY DINNER! After an eight-week, televised bake-off, some of the UK’s top chefs had dishes chosen for the Queen’s official birthday. I swear, all these people do is eat.

I’ll just cut to the chase and spare you the mundane details, because I know you’re all on the edge of your seats, dying to know the official birthday banquet menu. Here goes:

The starter course, representing Northern Ireland, was smoked salmon with blinis, woodland sorrel, and wild cress. (If anyone knows what blinis and woodland sorrel are, please drop me an e-mail.)

The fish course, representing Wales, was pan-fried turbot with cockles and oxtail. (Cockles and oxtail? Jeez, these people will eat anything.)

The main course (no, the fish course was not the main course, my dear uncouth readers), representing Scotland, was loin of roe venison with potato cake, roast roots, creamed cabbage, and game gravy. (Oooch. I hope they passed around the Beano for this course.)

Pssssst. In case you’re wondering what roe venison is (as opposed to non-roe venison), roe deer are solitary animals, while ordinary, run-of-the-mill deer graze in packs. Eighteen—count ‘em…eighteen—stalkers were sent out to cover 1016 miles of Scottish terrain to bag all the deer necessary to feed the 500 guests who attended the royal feast. Now picture the little deer, all alone in the Scottish woods, minding its own business, grazing, when a hunter comes along searching for the Queen’s lunch… Oh, I don’t even want to think about it. Barbarians, all of them.

The dessert, representing the North of England, was custard tart with nutmeg. (Okay, now I’d even eat that.)

The wine, representing Australia, was Mount Horrocks Cordon Cut Riesling 2005 Clare Valley. (Exactly what I would have chosen.)

The meal was supposed to represent a diversity of British food. Well, fine. But didn’t they have venison at the FIRST birthday party in April? How gauche.


Prince Philip recently celebrated his 85th birthday. But apparently, nobody cared.


Hey, Prince William had to be treated at an Army hospital for infected insect bites. Eeeeewww. Body Buddies, Wills? I hope not. One has to be careful when one tramps about the woods. And don’t forget to check under the mattress of your Army cot. Critters have been known to congregate there.


For those of you who have been up nights wondering what Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, and her daughters do on the weekends, wonder no more. They sleep until noon and watch DVDs from 2:00 p.m. until midnight. They do the same thing on Sundays, but they’ll stop at 6:00 p.m. if the princesses have to return to school. Someone should give them a boot in their arses.

That’s it for this month’s royal news. Hopefully, next month will be just as exciting.

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