A Letter to Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall
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Dear Camilla:

I’m writing to tell you that I am most shocked by the latest headlines. Imagine anyone thinking you’re workshy. Confidentially, Camilla, I had to look up the word “workshy” because I wasn’t sure what it meant. It’s one of those polite words, you know. The Brits call it “workshy.” The rest of us call it “lazy.” “Workshy” sounds much nicer, though, don’t you think?

It seems that the Palace is getting a little ticked because you’re not working as hard as you could be. Well, what the heck? According to The Daily Mail, you carried out 38 royal duties by yourself during your first year as a member of the Royal Family, compared, for example, to the Queen Mother, who carried out 118 official engagements the year she was 90. Well, she was always a show-off, you know. What an attention-seeker, that one. She wasn’t as demure as you are, Camilla, dear.

So the rumors spread that you and Charles have been having big rows over this work thing. Some reports say Charles is furious over your “workshyness.” Some unnamed royal source said that you and Charles had a big fight at Highgrove because Charles wants you to make more appearances, and you want to keep a low profile. Supposedly, Charles kicked at an expensive royal chair until it fell apart. (Isn’t he a little old for tantrums? You must be careful, Camilla. Domestic abuse is rampant.) But Camilla, dear, this doesn’t make sense. Not to dredge up the past, but Charles hated all the attention Diana got in the hundreds of engagements she carried out every year. Why does he want everyone to fawn over you? Why, you too may become a superstar, and then here we go again—The Diana Years. (Or, in your case, The Camilla Years.) According to some reports, those who are talking about you are saying you don’t want to be thrown into the spotlight at your age. Oh, honey, don’t you realize you haven’t been out of the spotlight for 30-plus years? Granted, only a trickle of people show up when you appear somewhere, but you’re just starting out, for goodness sake.

Someone in your circle told The Mail that you’re finding this royal stuff a bit heavy, but I find this perfectly understandable. Let’s step back a minute here. The Palace has to realize, please, that duchessdom is your first proper job. Why, you’ve never worked “outside the home,” so to speak, before you got hitched to Charles. Well, what do people expect? You’re still a duchess in training. There are things to learn. You have to learn the royal wave; you have to remember to walk steps behind Charles because he’s the senior royal, and the attention is supposed to be on him—NOT YOU. More importantly, the hats! There are dozens and dozens of hat designs to choose. One can’t go out hatless, can one? I bet you haven’t been a royal long enough to accumulate the requisite number of hats necessary for public appearances, have you? And you need a clutch purse to match all those hats. Come on, now. Do they think this is easy?

And I can’t believe The Mail had the unmitigated gall to report that, months after your wedding, the dining table at Highgrove was piled high with unanswered letters that came with the loot—I mean the wedding gifts—because you were, shall we say, unmotivated. This is outrageous. Royals don’t leave stuff lying around on the dining room table. Only commoners do that. And if that is the case, Camilla, dear, then you should have a talk with all those private secretaries roaming about the palaces with nothing to do. They should be answering those letters, not you. Do they expect you, the next queen, to lick the envelopes? What else are these private secretaries for, anyway? Talk about workshy! Maybe the powers that be should be checking up on these private secretaries and see how they’re spending their time.

What really ticked me off, Camilla, dear, is the report that when your husband was showing a party of his charity benefactors around Highgrove recently, they all heard whoops and splashes of enjoyment because you were having a swim. Whoops and splashes of enjoyment? Who were you swimming with, dear? I’m sure that report is false, and you were out at an official engagement, not cavorting in the pool.

So sorry, dear, to learn of your poor dad’s passing. But what you have to understand, Camilla, is that the Royal Family is a cold lot. They did expect you to attend the Queen’s 80th birthday church service the day before your father’s funeral. But maybe, Camilla, here is where you could have made an effort to shine. After all, it was the day before the funeral, love, not the actual day of the funeral itself. Did you have something better to do? This was your chance to really make an impression on the royal bunch—putting on a brave face and showing up at the Cathedral. And then you didn’t show up at the Trooping of the Colour ceremony two days after your father’s funeral. I must say, Camilla, you really blew it here.

But we know the truth, don’t we, Camilla dear? Charles didn’t break the chair because of your indolence. Charles broke the chair because he was upset that the Palace doesn’t think you’re pulling your weight. Why, everyone knows Charles can’t stand anyone speaking ill of you, his darling wife. My gracious, when you two were running around Wales recently, every time you were separated, he said, “Darling, where are you? Are you lost in the crowd?” How romantic. I know my husband wouldn’t realize I was missing until days later. Weeks, maybe. You certainly are one lucky girl.

Next, the press will be reporting that you were trying to run away, but someone kept bringing you back.

Well, must dash, Camilla, dear. Talk soon. Ta.

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