Weekend Officially Cancelled
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We regret to inform you that this weekend has officially been cancelled. So forget about weekend plans. Forget about the extra sleep. Forget about going to the movies. Forget about hanging out with your friends. Cancelled. This weekend isn’t gonna happen.

We repeat: Saturday and Sunday will not take place this week. Please note that next Monday will begin directly after this Friday.

Government officials made this decision yesterday, after scientists throughout the world looked up from their coffee and donuts long enough to discover that their calculations were just a little bit incorrect.

Due to these miscalculations that have involved all kinds of stuff that you’re not likely to understand anyway—like sun positioning and Earth’s rotation and other very scientific things—scientists now realize that we have to make up for the extra two days that have appeared on this year’s calendar.

Apparently, an actual lunar year is not really 364.25 days. It’s really 364.27 days. Somehow, the extra minutes popped in there and have been screwing things up all along. Astronomers have reportedly been fudging numbers and calendars and stuff all this time.

Recently, they figured that now was as good a time as any to fess up and fix all of the number-fudging. And—in order to get things back on the right track and return to the correct solar, lunar, and astronomical day and time—we’re just going to have to obliterate two days.

Thus, the government—in conjunction with every other government throughout the world—has decided that no one really needs this Saturday and Sunday anyway. So we’re just not going to have them.

So remember: Saturday isn’t Saturday this week. It’s next Monday. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

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