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This month’s column was a tough one to put together. Not too much excitement across the pond, but not to worry—I was still able to dig up a few tidbits. So read on.

Honorary Snub

Although an honorary member of the Royal Watercolour Society, Prince Charles’s artwork was conspicuously absent from the Society’s recent exhibition.

Not only did the Prince not donate any of his work, the Society “didn’t get round” to asking him for anything, either.

Duh

The titles “Duke and Duchess of Cambridge” have been reserved for Prince William and Kate Middleton, if they wed.

Is there anybody out there who doesn’t think the young prince has been engaged to Ms. Middleton for some time now, and the Palace—avoiding another Diana fiasco—isn’t going to make it public until they’re sure the young woman is ready to assume her royal role? Anybody?

  
 
Literary Renown-NOT

You know Diana’s former butler, Paul Burrell, has written another book about his life with the princess, right? Well, Burrell was in Glasgow, Scotland recently promoting The Way We Were, and only five people showed up. One person was a law student there on a bet. The student didn’t buy a book, however, because he said he didn’t want “an expensive doorstop.” He asked Burrell to autograph his notepad instead.

A few days earlier, Burrell was at a book signing in Wrexham, and again only five people showed up. They were all family friends.

This is as bad as Camilla’s public appearances. Nobody shows up for those, either.

The Butler Did It

Speaking of Paul Burrell, he’s a busy guy. In addition to writing tell-all books about the late Diana, Burrell has come out with a line of wine, aptly named “The Paul Burrell Collection.” At the New York launch party, Burrell announced he was giving an impersonation of the Queen as he took a guest’s hand and spoke in a robotic voice as he imitated Her Majesty giving a slow-motion how-do-you-do handshake.

At least one party guest was miffed and took offense to Burell’s mocking the Queen in public “especially in front of a load of Americans who believe all his rubbish.”

Note to party guest: Well, what were you doing there, if not supporting the guest of honor? There are “loads” of us Americans who think Burrell’s dissing the Queen in public is a social faux pas.

There’s a War On, You Know

Hey, guess what? Charles and Camilla are visiting Pakistan this month, despite the fact that security was heightened recently when a couple of rockets were discovered near government buildings in Islamabad.

Help me out here: Princes William and Harry will not be allowed on the front lines when they finish their military training because, being members of the Royal Family, they’re walking bull’s-eyes.

I guess we know which ones are expendable.

And Justice For All

Remember James Hewitt, Diana’s former paramour? Well, it seems that while on vacation in Spain, he fell through a plate-glass window and narrowly missed cutting off his penis.

He suffered a gash that required 27 stitches from his knee to his upper thigh.

It’s been reported that Hewitt has hired a Diana look-alike nurse to help change the dressing.

Hey, Hewitt! You’re a military guy. Change your own dressings. What a pig.

Stay tuned for next month's column. It can only get better.

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