Little Bird to Retire
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No longer will nosy and gossipy people be able to attribute their knowledge of miscellaneous information to the “Little Bird.” The infamous Little Bird who tells people things that they really have no business knowing, plans to retire next week. Apparently, being especially nosy and gossipy and taking the blame for the nosiness of others has taken a lot out of the Little Bird, who has filled this position since the previous Little Bird retired in 1978.

Due to the lack of willing replacements for the current Little Bird’s position at such last-minute notice, there will be a slight alteration in the title of the position.

It is understood that this new change will take some getting used to—and it may cause a number of misunderstandings for a while—but those who wish to explain their knowledge of other people’s business will no longer be legally correct in saying, “A Little Bird told me.”

The Little Bird’s replacement will be a Medium-Sized Adolescent Aardvark. Thus, a possible correct cover-up for meddling into other people’s business will be “A Medium-Sized Adolescent Aardvark told me that your Uncle Woodrow was arrested for trying to break into the sheriff’s house in the middle of his retirement party.”

The Medium-Sized Adolescent Aardvark has already assumed the position of Assistant Little Bird and will be officially rising to his new position next week—as soon as the Little Bird retires.

When asked what he plans to do during his retirement, the Little Bird stated that he plans to migrate to Florida and just mind his own business.

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