Bats, Corgis, and Jelly Babies
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God Forbid She Miss a Meal

Whilst running around the fishing village of Anstruther in Fife, Camilla had her bodyguard pop into the Anstruther Fish Bar to get her some haddock and chips. Camilla ate the meal sitting in her Audi. The owners didn’t charge her the £4.35 for the chow.

I guess that’s one of the perks of having a son who’s a food writer.

Do They Ever Stop Eating?

During a tour of Northern Ireland, Charles and Camilla paid a visit to a candy store. Charles took one throat lozenge and offered to pay, but the shopkeeper wouldn’t hear of it. So Camilla dug into the jelly babies, making off with about a quarter pound.

Has this woman no shame?

Putting on the Dog

Remember I told you about the fox that was beaten to death (Drunks, Glamour, and a Dead Fox)? Well, performance artist Mark McGowan, upset at the RSPCA’s decision not to prosecute Prince Philip and the members of his hunting party, responded by eating meatballs made from a dead corgi (the Queen’s favorite breed). (NOTE: The dog had died at a breeding farm. McGowan did not kill it.)

McGowan pronounced the dead dog meat “really, really, really disgusting,” despite the fact that the dog meat was cooked with apple, onion, and seasoning. He then added, “But it was provocative and exhilarating.”

Hey, whatever turns you on, bud.

The RSPCA’s reaction to the stunt? “If the dog’s dead, he’s free to eat it.”

Well, okay then.

Footprints in the Carbon

Camilla, citing her recent hysterectomy, told Charles that she needed to use their private jet to fly to the Aegean, where she partook of a week-long Mediterranean cruise with friends aboard billionaire Spiros Latsis’s yacht. Reportedly, Charles was peeved at this because he promised the world that Clarence House would reduce its carbon footprint on the environment.

Of course, this promise didn’t stop him from flying to the United States to receive an environmental award, or having a pair of Camilla’s shoes flown to her on a recent tour.

One Should Keep One’s Hands to One’s Self

While in Guernsey to open a civil hall on the Channel Island, Anne, the Princess Royal, slipped and fell. Geoffrey Rowland, the island bailiff, rushed to the princess’s aid and commenced to help her up. Apparently, Mr. Rowland was a bit too grabby for the princess’s taste. An onlooker said that Anne looked furious, and the princess snapped, “No, don’t do that, thank you. Grabbing me round my [inaudible] won’t help. I’m perfectly capable of getting myself up.”

One hopes one didn’t ruin one’s hosiery when one fell on one’s arse.

Gone Batty

Hey, guess what? Prince Charles is converting Llwynynwormwood (I still don’t know how to say it), the estate he purchased in Wales, into an 11-bed resort, (Sure. Anything for a buck.) Well, wouldn’t you know it; bats were found roosting in the building, and now Charles has to call in a bat expert to figure out what to do with them. Bats and their roosts are protected under British law, and Charles may have to provide alternate accommodations for the bats. It’s against the law to kill or injure a bat or damage its place of shelter or protection.

All I can say is that Charles had better be very careful here. If there are any bat casualties, not only can Charles face a fine of £5,000 per bat affected or six months in jail, but Mark McGowan might show up to eat the critters.

One Big, Happy Family

In honor of the Duchess of Cornwall’s 60th birthday, Camilla will sit for a wax casting for Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in London. Camilla’s likeness will be placed with William, Harry, and Prince Charles. The current waxwork of the late Diana, Princess of Wales, will still be in the new “royal zone,” but away from Charles, Camilla and her sons.

Kinda awkward, don’tcha think?

So There

This month’s quote du mois goes to none other than Prince Charles himself who, when asked if there were any plans in the works to celebrate the 50th anniversary of his investiture as Prince of Wales, replied, “I just don’t see the point.”

Tune in next month for more royal news. Hopefully, it will be as exciting as this month’s column.

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