A Simple Life of Contradictions
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Not that this woman needs any more attention, but did you happen to catch Paris Hilton’s interview on Larry King Live? If not, I’ll hit the highlights for you. But first, I’d like to say I thought Paris looked very nice. Her makeup was muted, and her eye didn’t look nearly as droopy as it usually does.

On Turning Herself In

The MTV Awards appearance was a “trick” to fool the press. She went to the MTV Awards and told everyone she was going to the after-parties; instead, she snuck out and reported to jail “unnoticed.”

The Jail Experience

The jail strip search was the most “humiliating” experience of her life. “It’s embarrassing to do that in front of someone you don’t know,” Paris said.

Yeah, unlike your porno film on the internet.

She was confined for 23 out of 24 hours. She had one hour to shower and call her family. Every Monday she could order candy, food, writing supplies from the jail canteen. Family and friends could visit Saturdays and Sundays for a half hour. A lot of strangers tried to get in to see her. The food was “horrible.” It was mystery meat shoved through a hole in the cell door. She would speak to other inmates through the vents.

Hey, at least you didn’t have to wait in line and get your own food! You got yours served to you!

She got through the days reading letters of support. Each letter was opened with apprehension, as she hoped the writer wasn’t a “mean person.”

I know what you mean, Paris. Mean people suck.

She hated being alone and would have nightmares of someone breaking into her cell and hurting her.

On the Severe Medical Problems that Got Her Sent Home

She had claustrophobia, panic attacks and anxiety attacks. She has ADD and takes medication for that. Paris explained that ADD makes it hard to pay attention to things.

Yeah. I bet “paying attention” is tough when you’re sitting in a jail cell by yourself with nothing to pay attention to. And God knows no other inmate has claustrophobia, panic attacks, anxiety, or ADD.

On Going Back to Jail

She was shocked when she was “yanked” out of bed, handcuffed and brought to court. And It was tough having ADD in jail, she said, but she learned to deal with it.

On Being Set Free

After three and a half weeks confined in a little cell, Paris said it was overwhelming just to be out and be free. It’s exciting being in the fresh air and seeing the sky and the stars.

Yeah, and if you think you had it tough, imagine the people who get sprung after 40 years. These ex-cons go to a supermarket and freak out, because they can’t handle the size of the place or the fact that there are so many choices. Ever been to a supermarket, Paris?

Lessons Learned

While Paris thinks she got a raw deal, she’s “glad it happened.” She considers the experience a blessing in disguise that has changed her life forever. Jail gave Paris a “time-out in life" to figure out who she is, what she wants to do and what is important. She has a “new outlook on life.”

And she will never drink and drive again.

She didn’t say anything about not drinking, just that she’s not going to drive.

Paris on Being Paris

Paris had no idea why the press and paparazzi follow her around. “I’m just living my life,” she said. They’ve been parked outside her door waiting to follow her around ever since she started modeling at 16 in New York. The good part about jail was that it was “nice to be away from all the flashes for a while.”

Oh, my God.

When asked if she thought she brought her problems on herself and whether she blames her parents, Paris danced around the question by saying she’s been immature, has made some wrong choices and has learned from her mistakes, which makes her “the person she is today.”

Paris said the biggest misconception is that she’s a party girl and she doesn’t work for a living. She would like it known that she has made a name for herself, by herself. She runs a business, she had a book on the New York Times bestseller list, her TV show is in its fifth season, she’s made an album, movies, and has a clothing line.

With all this self-promotion, why would anyone mistake her for a party girl? Oh, and in case you’re wondering, she said her attention deficit disorder doesn’t affect her in her business. Isn’t that amazing?

Interestingly, during the same interview, she also said she is sick of partying. She said it’s not going to be the “mainstay” of her life anymore.

Huh? How could it be her mainstay with all the work she does? I think Paris is a little confused here. Perhaps she should look up a couple of words in the dictionary, like “mainstay” and “misconception.”

But why the misconceptions in the first place? Why hasn’t Paris done anything to dispel the party girl image? Well, you know, people make up stories, stories she will not dignify with a response. She never responded to these “crazy stories” because doing so would call more attention to them. “I know my friends and family know the true me, and that’s all that matters.”

Well, no, Paris—that’s not all that matters. In fact, that statement defeats the whole purpose of your interview. Remember? You did this interview to tell people what you went through and how your experience changed your life. That puts a whole new perspective on the “true me” thing.

She said she had no drug addictions and has never taken drugs. She denied a drinking problem and claimed not to be a big drinker, saying she’s “not really into it.”

Really? Then why are you getting caught driving around half in the bag?

Paris said she has rid herself of a lot of people who were not “beneficial” and “positive” to her life, but she wouldn’t name names.

Hey, I bet if we asked these people, we’d find out things were the other way around.

She also said that she never thought she needed rehab, and she said she doesn’t have any friends in rehab.

Ooooh! Don’t have to name names there! I guess Lindsay Lohan isn’t a friend anymore. Now, when you say you don’t have any friends in rehab, do you mean currently or ever?

Paris said if she could change one personality trait, she would change how her voice “gets really high” when she’s nervous or shy.

Oh, now that’s meaningful. Is this part of her “whole new outlook?” Cripes.

What the Future Holds

While in jail, Paris learned that the average woman inmate returns to jail 7.3 times. Paris said she feels sorry for these woman who end up going back in because they have nowhere else to go. Yeah, no Hollywood house, no Grandpa’s house in Bel Air. Paris said she wants to set up a transitional living place for these women to get on their feet and stop the vicious circle of women in and out of jail.

She also said that since the spotlight is always on her, she wants to use it to raise awareness for good causes like kids, breast cancer, multiple sclerosis.

All admirable and worthy causes, to be sure.

So what has she done so far? Well, since leaving jail, Paris has had a facial, got new hair extensions, went on vacation to Hawaii and rented a beach house in Malibu.

And O.J.’s still looking for the real killer.

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