Invites, Crisco, Trees, and Catholics
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Thanks for the Memories

The big news this month is the memorial service for the late Diana, Princess of Wales, who died ten years ago this August 31. Just for the record here, I think memorial services should be very personal, and those invited should be people near and dear to the deceased. But, apparently, the Royals don’t see it that way. The big talk is who is going and who isn’t.

Prince Andrew announced he will not be attending, since his ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, said she won’t be going because she feels “isolated and ignored” at royal events. And besides, the Royal Family never invites her to anything anymore anyway, and to go would be hypocritical. Andrew is also afraid the Royal Family may be booed at the event, and he doesn’t want to be booed. So he’s going on a trade mission to Malaysia instead.

Diana’s stepmother, Raine, Countess Spencer, will be attending, despite the fact that a young Lady Diana once pushed the woman down the stairs after a fight.

Camilla Fayed, the 22-year-old socialite daughter of Mohamed al-Fayed (who believes Prince Philip was in on a plot to kill his son and Diana) and sister of Dodi, has been invited and will be attending. (Did you know her father calls her every morning to tell her to get out of bed?)

Paul Burrell, the princess’s former butler, whom Diana described as her “rock,” has not been invited because William and Harry feel he’s one of many of their mother’s aides who have cashed in on and exploited the late princess.

Trevor Rees, the bodyguard and sole survivor of the crash, isn’t going, and his solicitors have issued a statement telling everyone that Mr. Rees is not giving any statements or interviews and would everyone just please leave the man alone.

But here’s the real kicker: Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, wife of Prince Charles, and nemesis of Diana, will be present at the memorial. She is said to be a nervous wreck over the whole thing, but Charles is insisting that she attend. Yes, folks, the woman Diana blamed for the breakdown of her marriage—her husband’s mistress—will be sitting in the front row.

Okay, then.

Unless—just maybe—Camilla won’t feel well on August 31.

It’s a Sad, Sad Time

Bad news. The big tree outside the back door of Prince Charles’ country home, Highgrove, has died. Prince Charles is said to be inconsolable over the death of the 200-year-old tree.

See what happens when you don’t use pesticides?

No Catholics Need Apply

The Queen’s grandson, Peter Phillips, son of Princess Anne and 10th in line for the throne, is engaged to a Catholic girl. The Act of Settlement of 1701 explicitly excludes anyone in line for the throne from marrying a Catholic. (Any other religion is okay, but no Catholics allowed.) As such, Peter will either have to renounce his claim to the throne, or his fiancé, Autumn Kelly, will have to renounce her religion. Granted, it’s likely that Peter will never sit on the throne, but hey, it’s a really big deal to be in the line of succession, if only for the social invitations. If Peter gives up his rights to the throne, he and the wife will be spending many an evening at home.

Prince of Wesson

In an eco-friendly move, Prince Charles had two of his cars, a Jaguar and a Range Rover, converted to run on used cooking oil.

Well, there goes the price of cooking oil. I wonder if my Honda Odyssey will run on grease, or does the cooking oil thing only work for luxury cars?

Does This Mean She Can Retire?

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, celebrated her 60th birthday last month. The Queen lent an eye-popping diamond necklace to the Duchess for the occasion. Prince Charles gave his wife a couple of rare sheep as a birthday gift. I’m not sure of the exact kind of sheep, but the picture I saw looked like a sheep version of Bob Marley, dreadlocks and all.

Of course, a gift list was drawn up for anyone interested in getting the Duchess a present. I guess she wanted a couple of pool loungers, but I don’t know if she got them. You might want to give Clarence House a jingle before you send anything.

And I am positively peeved that I wasn’t privy to the party menu, other than the fact that the food was organic. Jeez.

Camilla’s comment on turning 60? “Now I can collect my bus pass.” Oh, yeah, Camilla; like you ever rode a bus.

Stay tuned.

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