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SUCCESS, AR Up until just a few days ago, Winston Baltimore looked like a pretty normal 53-year-old man. His wardrobe was created and maintained by his wife and daughter’s opinions of what was stylish—and, for the most part, they did a very good job. He had those wrinkles that one gets after scowling in utter confusion a little too much. And over the years, his full head of dark hair had become a thin sprinkling of graying hair, most of which had been grown out long enough to wrap around his head, creating the appearance of a somewhat-less-bald-than-it-really-was head of hair.
But that was last week. Suddenly Baltimore was possessed with some strange notion that he no longer wanted to look like a pretty normal, somewhat wrinkled, balding, gray-haired—yet quite tasteful—53-year-old man. Instead, he wanted to look like a somewhat wrinkled, balding, black-haired—and rather tasteless and perhaps even delusional—53-year-old man.
The change took place last Tuesday night, when Baltimore allegedly paid a visit to his friend and barber, Justin Bartlett, who was to trim his hair. As they chatted, Baltimore became frustrated.
“Look at me, Justin. I’m old, and I’m balding, and I’m gray,” he cried out in utter despair. He looked to his old friend for help. The help that Bartlett offered came in a small, plastic bottle of jet-black dye.
The two giggled like schoolgirls as they made the change. And when the process was finished, Baltimore saw a younger version of himself in the mirror. He was ecstatic. He couldn’t wait to go home and show his wife and daughter. They were surprised, as was everyone at work, everyone in town, and all of his friends.
“Everyone loves it! They say it looks so natural. And I feel great!” exclaims Baltimore, whose wife, Karen, turns to muffle a giggle as she rolls her eyes. Other reports from town agree that Baltimore’s new look isn’t fooling anyone. On the contrary, most Success residents agree that he looks just plain silly.
Recent polls of Baltimore’s neighbors speculate that it’s only a matter of time until he buys a motorcycle, invests in hair plugs, and looks into liposuction.
Baltimore’s daughter was unavailable for comment, since she refuses to show her face in public ever again.
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