Food, Footmen, and Fools
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Viva La France!

I know you all just wait for this stuff, so I’ll tell you what they had to eat at the state dinner held by the Queen for French premier Nicolas Sarkozy and his lovely wife, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. Are you ready? Okay. Here goes: turbot, noisettes of lamb (Noisettes? What the hell’s a noisette?), rhubarb pudding, and Krug 1982 champagne. And Johnny Depp was there!!! (My invitation must have gotten lost somewhere.) The Sarkozys stayed overnight in a Windsor Castle apartment.

But, you know, you can make him a president, give him a former supermodel for a wife, and you can dress him up, but take Mr. Sakozy to an English castle and what does he do? Despite having been schooled in royal protocol prior to his visit, word has it that the French president demanded to see and approve the wine list prior to the state banquet. How gauche. He was told, ever so gently, “No.”

Help Wanted

Hey, the Queen has jobs available for new trainee butlers (a.k.a. footmen). The job pays £20,000 ($44,000 US), and if you can stick it out until retirement, the Royal Family will pay for your housing until you croak. It’s worth not having to worry about ever being homeless.

And listen, don’t let the fact that this is the seventh time in just over a year that the Queen is looking for butlers sway you. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with the position. No, no. Certainly not. I’m sure it’s just that the wrong people applied. Yeah, yeah. That’s it.

By the by, Prince Charles offered his private secretary a new seven-year gig. Sir Michael Peat was originally hired at a salary in excess of £300,000, and, a year into his service, he was involved in a cash-for-gifts scandal. Despite his tarnished veneer, the former accountant has done wonders with the Prince’s income and has made the Prince and his organizations gobs of money. You can bet this new contract offers Mr. Peat substantially more than his starting salary.

So what’s the lesson here, kids? That’s right. Stay in school. Don’t be a butler—be a private secretary.


Happy anniversary to Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, who recently celebrated three years of marital bliss. The couple spent two weeks in Scotland, where they took the opportunity to visit a barrel-assembly factory.

What a fun couple.

End of the Inquest, End of an Era

After six months, 278 witnesses, 10 million taxpayer pounds and 22 hours of deliberation, it was determined that a drunk driver and wild paparazzi, not any one of a number of Mohamed Al-Fayed’s conspiracy theories, caused the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed.

You may recall from poor Mr. Al-Fayed’s testimony that the “Nazi” (Prince Philip), “the Dracula Family” (the British Royal Family), the “stooges” (the prejudicial inquest judges), and the workings of the “dark forces” of the “henchmen” (Tony Blair’s crew) in a country run by the “banana republic” (the British Establishment) were responsible for the “slaughter” of the princess and his son. Hey, you have to give the guy credit for trying, but it’s just all so very sad.

Even after Lord Justice Scott Baker (one of the “stooges,” I imagine), told the jury that there were no bases for Al-Fayed’s hokey theories and, therefore, the jury could not find that Diana and Dodi were killed in a staged accident, Al-Fayed still maintains that the Queen and Prince Philip “hold valuable evidence that only they know.”

Time to go home now, Mr. Al-Fayed.

Stay tuned.

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