Doughnuts, Kebabs, and Grey Goose
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Oh, those wild and wacky royals...

Good Knight, William

Hey, guess what? Prince Wiliam was just made a Royal Knight of the Garter. Not only that, but he's the 1,000th person to receive this honor. The monarch can give this knighthood (which was established in 1348) to anyone she wants, although it's supposed to honor those who have held public office, contributed to national life, or served the queen personally.

So if anybody out there knows why Prince William received this honor, please let me know, because I am positively stumped.

A Royal Frolick

Princess Eugenie, daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, and her dormmates apparently had a couple of pops to celebrate the end of the term and started dancing naked around their dorm at Marlborough College.

The young princess and her friends were reprimanded for the incident. No comment from Eugenie's camp.

Do You Know Who I Am?

Princess Beatrice, the other daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, was turned away from a private party at London’s Cuckoo Club because her name wasn’t on the list. Although she tried and tried, going back to the doorman several times and even using the old “Don’t you know who I am? I’m royalty” ploy, Princess Bea was relegated to the basement bar to hang out with the riff-raff. She drowned her sorrows in a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.

I’ll tell you, those royals all have hollow legs.

Those Damn Commoners

Peter Phillips, son of Anne, the Princess Royal, and grandson of Queen Elizabeth, sold pictures of his wedding to Autumn Kelly to Hello! Magazine for £500,000. The Queen, it is said, is not amused. In fact, she’s royally pissed. Of course, the blame for this tacky social faux pas is being placed on the commoners (i.e., the bride’s family).

By the by, I noticed that the dress the Queen wore to her grandson’s wedding was remarkably similar to the one Camilla wore to the wedding blessing at St. George’s Chapel when she married Prince Charles. Is Camilla now setting fashion trends? Nah.

Okay, okay. I’m getting to it. The wedding menu: Cornish crab, Welsh lamb, coffee mousse and—get this—sugared doughnuts. No word on the wine. Maybe it was hard to find a vintage to go with the doughnuts.

Who Says the Market’s Down?

Prince Andrew sold his house, Sunninghill Park, to a Kazakh tycoon for £15 million. The house was on the market for five years for £12 million. So how do you figure he got the extra £3 million? Hmmm.

Let’s Eat!

Meanwhile, Andrew’s ex, the Duchess of York, is in talks to launch a line of ready-made food. (Uh-oh. Weight Watchers isn’t gonna like this.) The Duchess is promoting a healthy diet on a budget. Somehow, I don’t think we’ll see any of these vittles on any royal menus.

The Name Game

Catherine “Don’t-Call-Me-Kate” Middleton is requesting that she be called by her formal name. Princess Catherine? Princess Kate? Which do you think sounds better? P.S.: The Queen says Ms. Catherine better get herself a job. She’s ruining the image of the hard-working royals.

What to Give One Who Has Everything

While William and Kate—er, Catherine—were vacationing in Mustique (these two are always on holiday—no wonder the Queen’s ticked off), William bought matching wooden bracelets for himself and Catherine. Wooden bracelets?? Come on, Willie. Show us the bling.

Show You Care

Prince Charles had a big band-aid on his puss because he had a non-cancerous growth removed from the right side of his nose. Get-well cards can be sent care of Clarence House.

What Happens in Turkey…

While visiting a mosque in Basra, Turkey, there was no place for Her Majesty The Queen to sit, so someone swiped the chair out of the kebab shop next door. Now the chair, which is back in the restaurant bearing a sign, “The Chair the Queen Sat In,” is quite the attraction. The locals all want to come in the shop to sit in the chair and have their picture taken, but no one’s buying the kebabs. And the owner, Mehmet Emin Sagdie, vehemently denies taking money in exchange for a turn sitting in the chair.

I’m So Sorry, But…

Much to my embarrassment, and not for lack of trying, I have been unable to locate the menu for the Turkey state dinner. You can imagine my disappointment.

Burrell Update

In case you're wondering what Princess Diana's former butler's been up to lately, I can tell you that he's not going to be charged with perjury for lying at the inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al-Fayed. Now he wants to give an interview in the United States, to be aired in Britain, to "set the record straight," and he wants to make sure the British public sees it. Paul's "people" are shopping the interview idea around.

And speaking of shopping, Burrell is going on ShopNBC to peddle his Princess Diana-style jewelry designs.

This man has no shame whatsoever.

Stay tuned.

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