An Open Letter to All College-Bound Students
Click here to buy posters
In Association with
Dear College-Bound Students:

Congratulations for successfully graduating from high school (without showing too many ill side effects) and taking it upon yourself to become one of our nationís future leaders -- which frankly we wish you would have done years ago because some of us are tired and ready to pass on the responsibility to others.

To help you through this very exciting time of your life, Iíve decided to give you the Words of Wisdom someone should have given me before I left for college. You can take it for what itís worth -- about 37 cents -- or leave it right where you found it (probably on the bathroom floor). Either way, itís up to you.

Words of Wisdom No. One -- Donít plan on coming home until sometime after youíve graduated and found a good-paying job. The second you drove down the driveway, your parents turned your old bedroom into an office, bought a 52-inch flat screen plasma high definition TV, ordered the premium cable stations you always begged for, and changed the locks on all the doors. They have no intention of giving you a key.

Words of Wisdom No. Two -- When you get to college, never admit (under pain of death) that you donít have a clue where youíre going. Just pick up those books, hold your head up high, and march straight ahead as if you own the place. If it works for presidents, itíll work for you.

Words of Wisdom No. Three -- If your friends find any faults in you (like eating potato salad with your fingers, or digging ear wax out of your ears at the dinner table), remember to blame your parents for not teaching you any better. Your parents arenít around -- and besides, they changed the locks and didnít give you a key. They have it coming.

Words of Wisdom No. Four -- Scholarships usually require that you keep a certain minimum grade point average in order to keep the money flowing into your account.

Find out what that minimum grade point average is and shoot for keeping your grades just barely above it. That way, you get to keep your scholarship while still having a good time.

Words of Wisdom No. Five -- Donít use all your hard-earned money for gasoline.

Either walk, ride a bike or beg rides from your friends. Begging is the most preferred option because then youíll be able to save YOUR money for more important things like pizza and beer.

Words of Wisdom No. Six -- Even though your parents have kicked you out of the house, they still want to communicate with you.

So, set up your email account to send automatic responses to their emails. Your parents will think youíre sitting in your room just waiting for their emails, and not have a clue that youíre out doing all those wild things college students do but have sworn never to divulge (and if you have no idea what Iím talking about, then forget I even mentioned it).

Words of Wisdom No. Seven -- Even though you may still be mad at your parents for changing the locks, offer to take your Dad to Florida during Spring Break. Itís probably been a long time since heís seen an almost-naked beach babe in real life.

(And your reward will be knowing he doesnít have a chance with any of them.)

WARNING: Before you go, make your father promise to keep his shirt on.

And finally, Words of Wisdom No. Eight -- If you are a female college student, donít bring home a hairy biker dude and tell your father this is the man youíre going to marry. Your father has a shotgun hidden under his bed and he knows how to use it.

If you are a female college student, and your father IS a hairy biker dude, donít bring home a computer nerd and tell your father this is the man youíre going to marry. Your father hasnít figured out Windows Vista yet and youíll never see your computer nerd again.

For you guys out there, any girl you bring home with the intentions of marrying will be fine. Your parents are just grateful that youíre not gay and that someone has the courage to put up with you.

Well, thatís about it. Hope you have a good time at college. Hope you find out who youíre meant to be. And about that lock thing: Donít take it personally. Your parents still love you -- they just prefer to love you from a distance.

Submissions Contributors Advertise About Us Contact Us Disclaimer Privacy Links Awards Request Review Contributor Login
© Copyright 2002 - 2018 All rights reserved.