Studies Show: Teens Willing to Jump Off Cliff
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FUNKSTOWN, MD In a recent survey of teenagers in the greater Funkstown area public schools, researchers discovered that teens in Funkstown truly are driven by peer pressure.

The survey, which was released to the public yesterday, revealed that 86% of high school students responded positively to the question, “If John Kline jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff, too?”

Kline, 17, was identified by the entire school as the Most Popular Guy in School. He leads the school’s football, basketball, and baseball teams. He dates the best-looking girl in school. His parents let him do whatever he feels like doing. He wears nothing but the most expensive and stylish clothing. And he drives a brand-new Jeep with very loud speakers.

For the most part, every teen in Funkstown wants to be just like Kline—so much so that 86% of them would be willing to jump off a cliff just so they could be like him.

Funkstown parents report that Kline is the number-one cause of whining among high school students in the area. Most often, his name is used in the following context: “But Mooooooom…! John Kline has a brand new (insert name of material possession here)” or “But Daaaaaaaad…! John Kline’s parents let him (insert action here) whenever he wants to.”

In a related survey, Funkstown parents report that John Kline and his parents are their predominant cause of anxiety.

Studies also show that 92% of Funkstown parents and 98% of Funkstown teenagers wish that John Kline would jump off a cliff.

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