Vermin, Champions, and Bushy-Tailed Rodents
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Mexican State Visit

I told you in my last column that the president of Mexico would be making a state visit to England and--more importantly--that the queen would be hosting a state dinner in his honor.

The president arrived at Buckingham Palace in a procession of horse-drawn carriages. The Queen and President Calderon gushed praise over each of their country’s handling of economics and global challenges.

Hang on, hang on. I’m getting to it. The four-course dinner menu consisted of pan-fried halibut, beef filet, some kind of yogurt-based dessert filled with redcurrants from the queen’s Balmoral estate, and fresh fruit. No word on the wine. I hate when they hold back on the wine. Because we all know there was wine.

Birthday Bomb

The Queen just turned 83 years old. But no dinner, no party, nothing. Sheesh. Booooooorrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnggggg.


Holyrood House, the Queen’s official residence in Edinburgh, Scotland, is “infested” with silverfish. Environmental health officials discovered the vermin, which feed on discarded food, wallpaper, fabric and human hair. Humid conditions and mold can invite them in and they'll spread all over the place if not treated. (Hold on. I’m gonna throw up.) The critters caused damage to a staff dining room. The palace was told to remove all wood surrounding water pipes to keep the little buggers from spreading.

Oh, that is so gross. I mean, this is totally unacceptable and someone should be fired.

This is the first time a pest problem has been reported at a royal residence since mice were found in Buckingham Palace in 1997.

Oh, please. Reported is the operative word here.

Soldier Boy

Word has it that Prince William wants to have a turn fighting in Afghanistan. Huh? After the Harry fiasco?

I think not.

The Champ

Hey, guess what? Prince Phillip now holds the record for the longest serving royal consort: 57 years and 70 days as of April 18, 2009, beating out Queen Charlotte, wife of King George III. He’s also the oldest serving partner of a reigning monarch. Way to go, Phillip.

By the by, don’t expect any fanfare over this, as no big celebrations are planned to commemorate the event. The Queen and Prince Phillip are just going to hang out at Windsor Castle.

Holiday Hangout

If you’re interested in renting out a cottage on Charles and Camilla’s Welsh estate, Llwynywermod in Carmarthenshire (don’t make me pronounce it), go to Availability is limited because you can only rent when Chuck and Cam are not in residence. Better hurry.

Rocky? Is That You?

Prince Charles is sponsoring a charity set up to help protect the red squirrel, which is in danger of becoming extinct in the UK (a “terrifying reality,” according to the prince) because of the gray squirrels introduced from America. Wait a minute. It’s our fault? What, are we rounding up all the gray squirrels, putting them on a Cunard ocean liner and sending them across the pond? I had a red squirrel in my front yard the other day. Where the hell did it come from?

Which brings us to this month’s winning quote by the ever-optimistic Prince Charles: “The plight of the red squirrel and the [British] honeybee too is yet another example of man’s short-sightedness in an increasingly throwaway society.”

Okay. Now I’m depressed.

Stay tuned.

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