We're Not Disgusting—We're Men!
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A man's ability to invent new and tasty food combinations is what separates us from other forms of creatures, namely women. Men have this innate need to try something new, daring, and "out of the box." Women, on the other hand, have this innate need to tell us we're vile and disgusting.

I submit that some of the tastiest food combinations that are enjoyed today were invented by a guy with an idea and a wife who thought it was sickening. The guy threw a few things together, thought it tasted unique, and offered a bite to his wife, who immediately barfed it up all over his shoes. And then the guy got smart and told only his guy friends (after he wiped off his shoes), who told their friends, and so on and so on. Sushi is probably a prime example, as well as chocolate-covered crickets.

“Harold, there are dead crickets all over the porch. Why don’t you get off the couch and do something with them? They’re disgusting, and I want them gone before the Robertsons come over to dinner. Harold, did you hear me? And I don’t care if you despise the Robertsons. Now hop to it, mister! And I mean now!”

I firmly believe that inventiveness is one part inspiration, two parts perspiration, five parts nagging, and four parts revenge.

Speaking of new ideas, I like to think that I’m the one who invented the “Waffle Sandwich.” I was standing in the kitchen one day, looking at bare cupboards, when I found a package of frozen waffles and some lunchmeat in the refrigerator. Well, one plus one equals two, and in a jiffy I had a respectable Waffle Sandwich. Next time, instead of lunch meat, I might try a fried egg, or maybe tuna fish. The choices are almost endless.

Combining two completely un-combinable food items into one delectable dish is the hallmark of genius (or blocked bowels, not sure which). And think of the possibilities: melted Gummy Bears over rice, beer and Frosted Flakes, coffee beans sprinkled on top of vanilla ice cream, or a chef salad with brown gravy poured on top. Who knows, your favorite restaurant may serve these crazy food combos one day—and you’ll actually like it.

“Good evening, my name is Charles, and I’ll be your waiter for this evening. Tonight’s special includes Potato Wedges filled with a sweet banana-egg swirl for starters, Armadillo on the Half Shell glazed in a special Sushi vinaigrette, green peppers, spinach, and caramel-covered lima beans sautéed in a spicy sauerkraut juice, and for desert, your choice of Chocolate-Covered Suckfish, Liver-Meringue Pie, or Fudge & Oyster Sorbet. Now, who’d like the special?”

I’d probably go for the burger and fries myself, but that’s just me.

Another thing us guys like to do when were not playing Mad Scientist with last night’s leftovers is to figure out ways to eat normal food items but in manly “I’ve got to eat this fast or I’ll be late” kind of ways. For example, sandwiches.

If I don’t have much time for lunch but I really want a sandwich, I’ll stuff a few slices of ham in my mouth, cram in a slice of cheese, and then suck on a spoonful of mayonnaise just to keep things lubricated. If I have time, I might shovel in some lettuce and tomato, but usually I don’t. So, with all those “sandwich makings” in my mouth, I can carry on with all the other things I need to do and nobody knows any different (unless they find me lying on the floor, choking to death—which would pretty much give me away).

Here’s something you can try in the safety of your own home, especially if you like banana pudding as much as I do, but never have the time to make it:

1) Take a big bite of banana; 2) shove a couple of Nilla Wafers into your mouth; 3) then close your eyes and chew. If you try hard enough, you can almost imagine you’re eating a soft, creamy banana pudding, just like your grandma use to make.

When all is said and done, men have this unquenchable thirst to explore, to invent, to test out new and somewhat disgusting things solely to freak out the women-folk. And it is this need to explore, invent, and repulse that makes us who we are: Men!

Need I say more? It’s probably best not to.

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