Boats, Bunkers, and Bags
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Hey, everyone, it's me, and I'm back with another issue of Royally Speaking. Now I'm sure you've all been on the edge of your seats, just waiting and waiting and waiting. Well, don't blame me. It's not my fault things have gotten boring across the pond. But, so as not to disappoint, I've scrimped and scrounged, so let's start right in.

Thinking About a Career Change?

If you want to be Deputy Master of the Royal Household (the Queen’s de facto head of hospitality), then you better brush up on your sandwich-making skills, like how you get the water out of the cucumber so it doesn’t make the bread soggy (and thus ruin the garden party), and what is the right amount of butter to make a buffer between the cucumber and the bread. For real.

Ready, Set...

Expect President Obama and First Lady Michelle to make a state visit to Britain sometime in early 2011. (The Obamas get to pick whether to stay at Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle. They must be all aflutter trying to decide.) I’m keeping an eye out for the menu. I hear the Civil List has been cut, and the Palace is on a strict budget, so they might only get cucumber sandwiches and beer.

By the by, remember the last time the Obamas met the Queen, and Mrs. Obama violated royal protocol when she put her arm around the Queen’s waist? The whole world was abuzz at the American woman’s faux pas, but the Queen invited her back anyway. It’s a good thing Her Majesty doesn’t hold a grudge.

Sold to the Highest Bidder

You’ve probably heard by now that Sarah Ferguson, who keeps popping up in Royal news, has disgraced herself yet again. She was secretly filmed by a reporter posing as a slimy foreign businessman while she was half in the wrapper, selling “access” to her royal ex-husband, Andrew, Duke of York, for a cool half mil. They even shook hands on the deal. Hey, it’s tough being broke. You gotta do what you gotta do. A person’s gotta eat. (Whoa. Wait a minute. I wonder if I can sell “access" to my husband for some cold hard cash. He actually knows stuff because he works for a living. Hmm.)

The Duchess also had to get rid of her financially burdensome personal assistants; her driver; two other full-time members of staff (one of whom manages the diaries of her daughters Beatrice and Eugenie); and four or five other part-timers.

And you thought YOU had it tough.

But not to worry, for there is hope on the horizon. Supposedly Fergie’s in talks with Oprah Winfrey about a talk show or “docu-series” or some such. But if that doesn’t pan out, Fergie’s first novel is coming out later this year. It’s called Hartmoor and it’s about a “fabulous redhead” who falls in love with a “wonderful naval officer.”

Ooooh, I can’t wait. Maybe the publisher will send a review copy.

No Nukes

Did you ever wonder what would happen to the Queen in the event of a nuclear attack on Britain? Well, newly declassified papers reveal that Her Majesty was to be put aboard a "floating bunker" and moved around remote Scottish lochs. Then the Russians found out about it, and that was the end of that idea.

Send your suggestions c/o Buckingham Palace.


And speaking of floating bunkers, the Queen has returned from her summer holiday. Her Majesty chartered a yacht for herself, Prince Philip and other freeloaders--I mean family members--for a cruise around the Western Scottish Isles. A good time was had by all, particularly Prince Andrew, who was spotted cavorting with a lovely brunette. And he wasn’t the least inhibited by his fish-belly pale skin, his balding head or his gray chest hair.

And Lo, a Savior

Hey, guess what? The Prince of Wales says he believes he has been placed on Earth as future King “for a purpose” - to save the world. Hey, somebody’s gotta do it.

Well, I, for one, am relieved. I was afraid I was going to have to do it.

That’s it for now. I’m digging around for the next column. The fun never stops with these wacky Royals. Stay tuned.

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