The Dangers of Sleepwalking
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TUCSON, AZ A new problem has been growing throughout our country. It’s a problem from which millions suffer, but very few ever discuss. The problem is sleepwalking. The consequences are varied. Take, for instance, the stories of these sufferers in just one city: Tucson, Arizona.

Wife and mother Juliet Barker turned up missing one morning. Her concerned husband, Roy, and their two children had no idea where she could be. The last time Roy had seen her was when she had climbed into bed and instantly fell asleep. The next morning, however, she was gone.

Two hours later, after a careful search of the entire city, Juliet was found, soundly sleeping yet dressed in her favorite jeans and T-shirt and wandering through the 24-hour grocery store, her cart full of canned processed meats.

College student Steve Wilson, like Barker, went missing for several hours one afternoon. He was finally discovered, curled up in the corner of the floor in the college’s dining hall kitchen. Upon waking, he was shaken but in good condition. He did, however, express concern about losing his pet chinchilla, ChiChi.

And, finally, Tucson businessman Gary Dietrich was recently shocked one evening by the appearance of a gigantic box on his front porch. The box, which had been left there earlier in the day, had been shipped from the Home Shopping Network.

Dietrich was completely unaware of what the box could contain. “I don’t recall ever watching the Home Shopping Network,” a puzzled Dietrich stated. He questioned his wife and children, but no one would claim ownership of the mysterious box. Upon opening the box, he discovered a number of mysterious products, including a genuine cubic zirconia and gold-plated bracelet and matching ring, two Bill Murray beer blenders, and an Abdominizer. Dietrich concluded that he must have purchased the products one night as he was sleepwalking. The Home Shopping Network confirmed that all of the purchases were made between 3 and 4 a.m.

Sleepwalking is becoming more and more of a problem, tormenting the lives of thousands of sufferers (and their families) each night. While doctors are trying to find a way to assist those who suffer from this problem, there are many who object to their search for a cure. This group, led by the boards of directors of various home shopping networks—as well as the owners of several shopping and/or paid content websites and those who produce infomercials—feel that experimentation could be dangerous for test subjects. They also feel that it would lead to a decrease in sales figures for Julian Flubberrump’s Food Dehydrator.

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