Hamster Runs and Runs and Runs
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ORONOCO, VA Fuzzy the Hamster spent all night running and running and running on her little metal wheel, without really getting anywhere.

Members of the Porter family, meanwhile, spent most of the night listening to the squeak, squeak, squeak of the hamster wheel as their little pet hamster kept running and running and running.

“I don’t understand what Fuzzy’s problem is,” said Porter patriarch, Bill Porter. “She’s never done anything like that before. She just kept running… all night! She kept all of us awake. We’re all exhausted!”

Fuzzy is completely unaware that she wasn’t going anywhere, since her short-term memory has been completely destroyed by hamster pellets. She was, however, aware that she was running. As she told our translator, “OMG! I’m so fat! Look at me—I’m a cow! I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained in the last few months! I guess it’s because of all the stress I’ve been through lately. And it doesn’t help that everyone else goes to sleep at night, leaving me all alone. I’ve been so lonely, it just makes me eat and eat and eat. I just need to lose some weight, so I decided to start a workout regimen. That means I’ll be running every night. And I’ll be eating more celery instead of those terrible hamster pellets. They’re so fattening!”

Fuzzy also says that she’s very proud of herself for her first night’s accomplishments. She’s quite impressed by her own endurance, and she only expects it to get better.

“Soon, I hope to be running for at least five of the seven hours that my family’s asleep. I won’t need to take as many breaks. I’ll lose that extra weight in no time!”

The Porters are concerned about Fuzzy and her new workout regimen—as well as its effect on their own sleeping patterns. Her veterinarian has suggested that the family keep a close eye on her. If her obsession gets more serious, they may need to consider seeking professional help from a counselor who specializes in treating rodents with similar eating disorders.

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