Living Daylights Totally Scared out of Moviegoer
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JAPAN, MS Sharon Dewey has publicly announced that she will never, ever, in a million years, go to see a scary movie again with her friend, Krista. In a moment of weakness on Friday night, Dewey agreed to see The Shoe Store Killings with Krista during their monthly Girls’ Night Out. She figured that one little scary movie couldn’t be all that bad. It took very little time, however, to render Dewey absolutely, utterly terrified. Her screams of horror echoed through the theater.

Even covering her eyes couldn’t help. The terror was permanently engrained in her memory. The screams of horror. The knife. The bodies. All that blood, destroying all those perfectly good shoes in a variety of materials and colors.

Within minutes, the unthinkable happened. Dewey realized that something was missing. Something important. Something had left a hole within her very spirit. Dewey discovered that The Shoe Store Killings had totally scared the living daylights out of her.

  
 
“Aaaaaagggghhhhh!!!” she screamed.

But it was too late. They were gone. Dewey’s living daylights were absolutely nowhere to be found.

“I tried to stop it from happening, but I had never really experienced anything like this before,” Dewey sobbed. “And now they’re gone. I never realized how terrible it would feel. This emptiness…. It’s horrible.”

Since the incident on Friday, Dewey has consulted a number of professionals, none of whom have studied the living daylights deeply enough to understand the impact that losing them can have on the average human being. They are also unsure as to whether or not it is possible to recover the living daylights—or perhaps for them to heal or even grow back.

Anyone possessing any information about the living daylights—or the current whereabouts of Ms. Dewey’s living daylights—is strongly urged to contact that Japan Medical Center in Japan, MS.

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