High School Classmate Still Not in Prison
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MADISON, WI After being out of high school for over ten years now, Central High School graduate Barry West has still not ended up in prison—much to the surprise of his classmates.

West, who holds a respectable job as the manager of a bank in Illinois, was never expected to amount to anything. In fact, he was unofficially voted by his classmates as the Most Likely to Spend the Rest of His Life Sharing a Cell with a Guy Named Tony “The Wolverine.”

A somewhat rebellious and troubled teen, West spent much of his high school career talking back to teachers, giving nerds wedgies, throwing tater tots in the cafeteria, rigging lockers, and spending quality time in his own personal chair in the principal’s office. His greatest offense, however, was his refusal to care that the popular kids in school didn’t like him.

Former Central High popular guy Joe Fredricks took time out of his busy day frying up Big Macs to discuss West yesterday. “We never liked him. He was mean and rude, and he spent most of his time in detention,” Fredricks said. “When he left town, we all figured it was only a matter of time before he killed someone or robbed a 7-11 or something. But then he showed up at the class reunion looking all professional. I just couldn’t believe it.”

Popular girl Candi (Tucker) Smith told reporters, “I don’t trust it. I’m pretty sure it’s all just an act. I think he just came back here, pretending to be different, so he can commit some huge crime and get away with it.”

West, when asked to comment, just shook his head and drove off in his new BMW. The plates, incidentally, were, in fact, registered in his name. We checked—just to be sure.

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