Naked Mall Shopping and Muscle Cars
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This edition of Stolen from the Headlines introduces a robbery suspect whose fiancée refused to sleep with him, a man who managed to shoot himself in exactly the wrong place, a guy who showed up at the mall wearing only a blanket, and a jail inmate who stole an unmarked police cruiser and took it for an 1800-mile test drive.

Hard Times
Originally reported by United Press International

A man arrested on robbery charges told Florida police that he was upset because his fiancée refused to have sex with him.

Palm Bay police report that James Seehaus, 25, used a white cloth to make his BB gun look like a real gun when he robbed a local 7-Eleven store.

Seehaus was later pulled over by a police officer who responded to the robbery and discovered the BB gun in the suspect’s car and $55 in his wallet. Seehaus confessed that the $55 belonged to the convenience store.

The suspect then told the police that he robbed the store because his fiancée refused to have sex with him and he needed to buy car insurance.

Life is just one damned thing after another.

Below the Belt
Originally reported by United Press International

After telling police that he’d shot himself in the genitals, a felon was arrested in Oklahoma City for firearm possession.

Tavares Donnell Colbert, 36, shot himself in his privates near Interstate 35. He claimed that he was just testing a gun that he’d bought on the street in Kansas, to make sure that it worked before he sold it.

The police were alerted soon after Colbert drove himself to the hospital. He was arrested for possession of a firearm when he was medically cleared.

“Medically cleared” must be the worst medical bulletin in history. How were the guy’s privates? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Naked Shopper
Originally reported by Associated Press

Dallas police report that a naked man crashed a pickup truck into a Dallas mall, then knocked over a few kiosks before trying on new clothes.

Officers were called to the Southwest Center Mall at around 7:30 a.m. They say that the man, later identified as Arthur Walker of Dallas, was apparently wearing only a blanket when he drove his truck through the glass entrance doors.

Police say that Walker left his blanket in the truck once he was inside the store and started putting on clothes and Air Jordan shoes.

In a jailhouse interview, Walker said that he’d left the house early in a panic after his girlfriend threatened to take him shopping. Going naked, he explained, was better than having a woman drag him around the mall all day.

Straight to Video
Originally reported by United Press International

How did a jail inmate manage to steal an unmarked police cruiser and drive it 1,800 miles to Maine? That’s what Louisiana Sheriff Rickey Jones would like to know. Jones says that Benjamin Gottke, 43, was working in the sheriff’s office as a part of the jail’s trusty program when he stole the police car and drove it to Houlton, Maine.

Jones said that Gottke probably took the keys from a storage shed.

“This situation is going to make me rethink a lot of things with our trusty program and where we keep certain things,” Jones said. “The jailer that was working that night said (Gottke) was acting normal, so we’re not sure what motivated him yet.”

Probably just a big Smokey and the Bandit fan.

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