Troubled Motorist Unable to Make Decision
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GLASGOW, DE Yesterday’s commute from work was an agonizing one for Roger Milford—and for all of the other motorists around him.

Milford’s indecisive driving nearly caused six accidents, three heart attacks, and four homicides—in a mere seven-mile stretch of highway. Poor Mr. Milford couldn’t help it, though, because he was tormented by supreme indecision.

Immediately upon entering the expressway on his way home from his office at Argotek Industries in Glasgow at 5:15 last night, Milford realized that he had no idea which lane to be in.

He started in the right lane, but he just didn’t feel right there. So he moved over to the left lane. While in the left lane, he drove 10 mph under the speed limit, sending several drivers screeching to a halt.

And while the left lane felt more comfortable than the right lane, he still felt as though something just wasn’t quite right. Unfortunately, he had no other lanes to choose from.

That was when Milford got the ingenious idea to drive down the center of the expressway. That felt much better. He felt so free—as though he had more than enough room to breathe. Then the drivers around him started on their horns. He even thought he saw an old woman pull out a rifle. But that could have just been her cane. So he figured—for his own safety—that it might be a good idea to try another lane again.

So he went back to the left lane. He thought that maybe he’d feel more comfortable if he slowed down a bit—to somewhere around 20 mph below the speed limit. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to work. He just didn’t feel comfortable there. So he moved back over to the right lane. And he sped up until he was passing everyone.

Fortunately, it was finally time for Milford to exit the expressway. He was then free to escape the fast-paced world of high traffic and enter the laid-back world of two-lane roads with 35 mph speed limits. He drove 25 mph, and he felt much better—that is, until the truck driver following him decided that he owed it to the rest of the drivers who were following impatiently behind him to push Milford until he was traveling at about 50.

Then, with the pressure taken off him, Milford was finally happy. He was free from the pressure of driving.

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