Local Boy Rescued from Perilous Snare
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DEPEW, NY Ten-year-old Brandon Bunte enjoyed watching the latest Kevin James movie. The first time.

He said he liked it the second and third time too. But since then, he’s pretty much hated it.

Because for the last three days, Brandon has been trapped in the movie theater, unable to do anything but eat popcorn and watch Here Comes the Boom.

It began when Brandon first saw that the movie was coming out. He was so excited! He bugged and bugged his mom. He couldn’t wait to go and see it! He begged his mom to take him. He even took out the trash. And he ate his Brussels sprouts. And he was very nice to his sister. He figured it couldn’t hurt, since Santa was keeping an eye on him anyway.

So finally, his mother agreed to take him and two of his friends to the movie. They were so excited! They even got to go to the Burger Shack for Super Kiddie Meals before the movie. It just didn’t get any better than this.

And then they went to the movie. Oh, the action! The adventure! The giant bucket of popcorn! They—like every other child in the theater—cheered and laughed and made all kinds of noise. And when it was over, Brandon stood up to leave. But he couldn’t move. He discovered that, within the course of the movie, his feet had stuck to the movie theater floor, and there was no removing them. His friends tried to pull his feet away. So did his mom. So did some other kid’s dad. But no one could get him free. His feet weren’t going anywhere.

Brandon was trapped. He couldn’t free himself. And while his mom tried to find a way to get him out, Brandon was forced to watch Here Comes the Boom repeatedly. At first it seemed like a pretty good idea. But he was wrong. For some reason, the whole thing just seems pretty stupid to him now.

Finally, late last night, Brandon was rescued from his nightmarish prison by a member of the cleaning crew, who cleaned the floor around him with Ultra-Super Theater Floor Cleaner. Unfortunately, the cleaner also ate the soles of his shoes—and he may eventually develop respiratory problems because of it—but he’s finally free.

When asked why it took so long, the unidentified theater staff member said, “We only clean those floors once a year. We had to special-order the cleaner.”

Upon leaving, Brandon said that he would never again—not in a million years—watch another Kevin James movie.

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